The Reason

Thats what i am. Im the reason for all this shit thats going on :/. Im not gonna let brendan get beaten up. Anyone touches them and ill break their fingers before they can lay a hand on him. Everyones moaning atm me atm. Brendan and hazel and whatever on one side, hayley on the over. Im stuck in the middle and i dont like it. Words are being twisted and i dont like it. I love you all. Just please if u can stop arguing stop. For my sake and your own. If you leave it it will all cool over. Love you everyone.
Seinaraaaaa!
Hazwick Rasterpig <3 x

I Hate Life

Went doctors got the pills, apaz theyre gonna make me worse before i get better. Its working i feel so down. Im off cba to write.
Seinara
Hayley <3x

The Closing Call

Well I finally have decided to blog. Ive been ill and to tired to actually right anything interesting after sunday nights affairs. How'z my life going you ask? Still pretty shit. Its funny how love can lift you higher than anything, or plunge you right down in the dirt. I am still infatuated with miss rafter and love her loads. Ive been off school a lot but im gonna change that. Im taking the day off tomorrow to go doctors. Im gonna try and get some antiseptic for my arm as i think its infected the chest seems ok though. And a bigger thing is to hopefully get anti-Depressants. Im trying to get my life in shape but after sunday it all feels a little different. Im still shaken truth be told. I told hayley we basically need to make a few rash decisions to either make or break us. Well were already broken so basically decide to fix or walk away. I hope she chooses the right one. Music wise im currently in love with fightstar. The song Mercury Summer is always playing. Means a lot to me and reflects some of my thoughts. Ill leave you with the lyrics to ponder.
Seinaraaa bloggersssss
Hayley Rafter <3 xxx

I hope you make it through
I hope the scene is just as blue as our dream
We've got a long way to climb
Until we see what we've left behind.

We wake to sound of drums
And we are the soldiers of our own events
We are the keys to the kingdom
And we will never wear clothes again

You get up, move around, every time you hear a sound
What do you expect to see
Every time you look at me?
I know this, is gonna be alright.

Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
In the afternoon
I hope you come back soon
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
You just take your time
I hope to see you

So how can you fall asleep?
So close to the fire that is keeping us warm
Sleeping out in the rough
Just let me know when you've had enough.

You get up, move around
Every time you hear a sound
What do you expect to see
Every time you look at me?

I know this,
this is gonna be alright.

Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
In the afternoon
I hope you come back soon
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
just take your time
I hope to see you.

Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
In the afternoon
I hope you come back soon
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
just take your time
I hope to see you.

Oooh oh-oh

Mercury summer
In the afternoon
I hope you come back
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
Just take your time, I hope to see you
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
In the afternoon
I hope you come back soon
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
Just take your time, I hope to see you

An Odd Night

Wel this was certainly different, hayley was fucking amazing for 2 whole days we had fun and cuddled etc was good. just literally dunno how to descrive how good day where. knew it wouldnt last. We argued botu some shizzle. Ive been proper down. like so bad as in dnt wana live down. Then i found out brendan called ambulance and police to my house. alas theya arrived to find me drunk (yet i hid it well) and a cut up chest and arm. I refused to go hospital and they couldnt do anything about it. After they left the bleeding stopped after a bit. I love all my friends and hayley. im gonna go talk to hayley more.
Seinara xx

Another Day

Well, lets think positive today shall we. I think i may have finally done something right to help me and hayley <3. Me and hazel although have been a lil distant are hopefully gonna tighten our bond again. Gonna see her when i stay round brendans saturday and looking forward to it all :). As for tomorrow Ive got hayley coming round for a bit hopefully, dunno what to do probably talk and wathc some dvd's etc. I wnat her back badly and am gonna keep at it until shes mine again. Didnt do much today wrote about 3 lines in 5 hours during ICT today but ya know its easy to catch up on. As for now im feeling fairly content, me and hayley are being cool and things are looking up slightly. I love hayley, brendan and hazeyy <3
As for now im off to bed im shattered and gotta tidy for when hayley comes tomorrow. Oh and got brendan staying tomorrow so ill probably drink the rest of my alcahol :)
Seinaraaaa! =D
Hayley Rafter is lush <3 x

The Otherside

There you go, your laft alone again, see what happens, you fuck EVERYTHING up. It was better when you was me you didnt fuck everything up. You've gotten soft. That causes your problems this is why it was wrong to change. You left me behind and look where its got you. Your left with nothing at all and everytime you try to get something you either fuck it up or it gets taken off you. Yet you expected her to change as well, change ruins people. You fucked it up with your stupidity. Its good you failed coz now you can just be alone and rot like your fuicking supposed to. I hope you sit in your ropok every night crying until you let me come back. I wont be such a pushover. Maybe things will start to improve. you bitch about girls so much yet its your own fault for letting them walk on you. You was magnificent and now i sit back and watch you drown in your own sorrows that only i can save you from. but you cast me out. So im not going to. I can feel your emotions you want to die, you wnat to bleed i know of the thoughts running through your mind better than anyone else ... i am them. You want to give up coz your weak. Good cut yourself bleed. Die soon please. It will make me happy.

Why

Why is life so confusing? I am so confused about everything thats going on. After everything thats gone on with hayley im still trying. I really love her, even if i do get angry upset and whatever. We have had an alright evening without any arguing without any fights just hoping this all lasts. Got a lot of work ahead of me if im gonna get everything back to the way it was. I miss her so much. I cant wait for her to come round friday. Its gonna be a bit weird coz im gonna have no idea what to do. Do i hug do i stay away or what?, loads of lil things running through my mind. I just dunno. Other than that fuck all happened. Conor and brendan came round and we had a laugh bout it. im off until tomorrow.
Seinaraaaaa
Hayley baby, im not with you, but im still yours <3 x

Look at me up in the sky
I watch the world just pass me by
And all my feelings give me away
It's happening more everyday

Loving you could be so easy
Loving you could be so great
Loving you could be so easy
Loving you could be so great

But how can I try to explain
Your story never seems to stay the same
You're out of touch and I'm out of time
Just talk to me a while
And joke about the things we used to see
It's so hard for me to smile

I've never felt so alone
After all of this there's so much left to lose
And I've taken pieces home
I promise you I never meant to

But how can I complain?
When everybody seems to know my name
You're out of luck and I'm out of line
It's such a selfish compromise
Self indulgent, useless, bunch of lies
I never thought you would believe

Hold me now don't wake me up
Pull me down and then back up
All again for all to see
Low down whisper and guilty stare
Your stagnant beauty makes me glare
Silly games in the sun
In the sun
In the sun
Ooh in the sun

But how can I complain?
Your story never seems to stay the same
I'm out of luck and you're out of line
It's such a selfish compromise
Self indulgent, useless, bunch of lies
I never thought you would believe

Loving you could be so easy
Loving you could be so great
Loving you would be so easy
Loving you could be so great

Maybe a change would keep me high
Stop me thinking and wondering why

Every Man Is An Island

Well, a lot has gone on today tbh, well i say lots yet so little. For s start lots of drama. Have basically almost lost hayley due to the fact I didnt tell her I was seeing sammi. My reasons not to? Just fed up of being accused of cheating or wanting to cheat on her with everyone. Alas she was told and now thinks I have cheated on her even though nothing of the sort happened. Just went town, got me more fags, got pizza watched a movie chilled then she went home. Not even the slightest piece of sexual activity other than the hello and goodbye hug. Not that it matters she wont believe me anyway. She says its due to ive broken her trust but tbh in my opinion she woulda been lke it anyway just not to such a bad degree. Well after crying for a while and thinking i got back into my i dont wana live anymore mode. Its true i do see life as rather bleak and pointless. But I then decided that as i cannot sleep i shall watch a dvd. I sat for about 10 minutes looking but only one caught my eye."about a boy". This is a rather good film in my opinion but it also gave my some psychological insight into my own life a bit. I like the phrase "Every man is an island". It sort of puts a nice philosophy in life and one that im probably going to do more even though the morale of the film is that no man is an island. It seems to annoy hayley that i spend so much time with other people. This i cannot really help due to how i am as a person. I am not a normal person I know that. I dont work like everyone else, I know coz of what i think is a disorder I have and part of it is all the psych analyzing I do of everyone. Therefore I have come to the conclusion I am different. I know everyone is different but everyone has the same sort of guidelines to the ways the are and ways they live their lives. I however even in such a small way break those. Im not the only one, but we are less common. But anyway back more into my lifestyle and the phrase from the film. I like material objects. Such as the big tv im sitting in front of right now. i always try to make my room perfect and strive for things in it. I have concluded I have been trying to my my own personal island in my own home. So that i can be entertained without the need of friends or a relationship which are the few things i crave in life. I dont know if i should crave them although I have been made to feel i am in the wrong for doing so. I think my next inevitable quest is i am going to produce my island to the way i want it. This however requires money another thing on my list. i am currently in debt by quite a lot of money and need to get EMA sorted out at school. I am going to make a money chart so i can control my spending so i can get my debt paid off as fast as possible. I am going to test my limits of this what i think is a some sort of disorder. Im ging to cut down on my friends which seem to be the one thing i crave and see what it does to me. I tend to be suicidal after even small periods of time alone to despair. I am either going to go 2 ways. to the point where i really just wnat to die again or to the point where i start getting used to it. I suppose the best way to fix anything is to bite the bullet as they say. I will probably document my feelings on this. Hopefully also as im doing this it will make hayley more comftorable in the fact i wont be seeing many people so she can know im not getting into any mischief and help relax her feelings about me cheating or giving her more reasons to distrust me. i want to keep her happy atm and show her i do care about her and she means a lot to me. Not even on a love level, i respect her a lot as a friend too. I just want us to be fixed. I think its something easier said than done. Step one will getting into a normal flow with her. Conversations and that of the sort without arguments. Step two will be gaining a little bit more trust back. She told me I only have a certain amount of time to do this which makes me wander does she have someone else lined up or is there a much bigger plan. Im not sure but im not going to make assumptions as they usually get people in trouble. but alas thats my plan for now, as for the other details i think we will think that when we get there. It is currently 3:46 and im still thinking of that god damn girl lol. I think there is something there otherwise i wouldnt usually care so much after going through the amount we have. Its been a lot for only like a month and a half. I might start to occupy myself with more musical things. Currently doing some grand funk railroad with gabs and having a blast. Yes i think music shall make me content as hobby for now. As for this disorder I think im also developing insomnia. I dont know if its from stress or maybe the fact it runs in my family. my brother has it too. I however am going to go think some more maybe text hayley saying i love her or something. its nice to be reminded that people in the world love you. Makes it seem a lil less bitter and more worthwhile. Anyway im off to go think more about my lil island i mean after all i am a man ... I hope :)
Seinara ;)x
Hayley rafter even through all this shit i love you <3 x

Yet Again Im a Wreck

I am yet again far to emotionally drained so ill keep this short. Spent all day fine then hayley hated brendan forever and wants to beat him up. Said she dont wana be with me anymrore or again or sumin coz of him. I told her n all her mates they aint gonna touch him without going through me. now me and hayley are like .. weird. shes gonna ring me in the morning to talk about us. I have to do english work for tomorrow or i cant go in. not gonna have the time so gonna skive and do it.
josh out x

This Mirrors Full Of Lies

Apparently nothings as it seems, lots gone on to drained to write about. Me and hayley argued for hours, start of it being coz i was friends with kirsty, thats over now. Hopefully Ive made hayley happy and trust me more, i really like her but she confuses me a lot. While we was talking we talked about my past sexual relationships and i realised im a slag, im just gonna get with my life. I dont care how worthless or bad i am. My dad shouted at me coz i burst out on the way to the fridge to get milk and i didnt wana tell him what was wrong. I hate my parents. I hate myself and my life. I dont know if this diary things worth it anymore ... spirits gone

This Far From Giving Up

Well how about today? Boring and shit. Highlight of my day was probably going out with ryan McKeever at lunch having a fag and a nice chat. About all. As for the bad? Argued with hayley, got dumped, gotta be on best behaviour and change the way i am and if i dont within a week its over forever. Can I do this? I really dont honestly know. Right now i dont give a fuck. just one of them days. Im gonna sleep on it i think. Well im not gonna go bed for a few hours yet. just gonna sit up and play games and shit till i like pass out. to much on my mind to sleep. Bye
Seinara (yes i know i spell it wrong wilson but this is my way)
Hayley ... x

Music Moves People

Today has been a pretty good day tbh. Nothing bad has really happened. Me and rafter have been cool with each other. Didnt really talk much due to revision but its better than arguing init. I didnt do much went school, watched a dvd in oxleys class was pretty funny. Got a new inside joke with my good friend Mr wilson. Went round wilsons for a couple of hours and played super mario bros smash melee on the cube again (brings back soooo many good memorys). Came home did revsion and not much else happened. I did however manage to conjure up what i hope may be a good new band. Me Guitar/vocals (this may change but for now its that) Conor on guitar and brendan on bass. We just need a drummer now. Got a few ideas for some covers to start us off. thing is brendans got a massive barn we can practice in so that is gonna be a great advantage. We should be set when we got a drummer.
Other than that im off to bed to get soem sleep before my dreaded psychology exam tomorrow :/ Wish me luck
Seiniara mother fuckers! Hayley = <3 x

The Perfect Day ... Almost

What can i say about today. Today has been amazing at parts, yet some where still a lil bit of a let down but i suppose the improvements still there. Im in the thick of it now, exams have started at school. Did my first one today no idea how well i did though. i think ill have passed. Skived school and just lay in for a bit this morning. Then went in for my exam. Walked home with wilson and just chilled at mine for the rest the evening. Internet was fucking me off by not working but ya know works now. I was rather happy that hayley changed our status back to "in a relationship" i think this shows a slight improvement. She sent me a text last night that got me thinking. I want it like that too. Maybe when shes not ill she'll calm down a bit. All in all its looking up a bit. Even though some of this evenings conversations upset me a bit and some of the responsees i got from people. I did have a rather nice chat with muggle though :) We just chatted about shit until i decided i was to tired and wanted to go bed. Im now finishing up my blog before i get into bed while texting hayley, I just hope no more arguments happen or anything. Ahhh well wish me luck
Seinara ladies and gentlemen ^_^
Hayley rafter i love you :) Even if you dont wana say it back lol xx

Complete Fail ...

That is what ive been thinking about my day. This whole climbing to the top thing isnt owrking, in fact im doing the opposite im slowly sinking lower. Ive made worse my problems due to anger. Me and hayley were almost at a break up today then after a loooong talk decided one more try. Im fed up of doing everything wrong, im starting to hate myself so much more. I have plans, some of which dont make me happy but have to be done. Ive been having a rather psychological day today, thinking about how people work and doing more analyzing. Ive been told not to coz i have a tendancy to analyze myself and thats dangerous. Alas i do it anyway and has just led to more trouble. Brendan might not be able to come out next week so tahts a bummer. Ive got exams to revise for which is why im writing my blog early, first being critical thinking tomorrow :/ As for money im still skint and may have to borrow justa little bit off my dad to pay for internet and a top up but that should last a little while so hopefully ill be able to get it all sorted soon.

So what can i say ive achieved today? ... I mopped the kitchen and bathroom floor ... big woop. Today has been a complete fail.
Im now off to do my shitty schoolwork and revsion, try and fix my relationship and perhaps get a drink. Might have an update later if more things happen or i remember something or am just plain bored.
Seinara ...
oh and its 3 weeks for me and rafter today x
She didnt seem very interested when i told her yesterday. its all about timing

The Coldest Hour

You know you have a lot of work to do when you have to ask for a goodbye :/ I dont quite know whats going on there tbh. I dont wana think about it atm. I remembered karinas gonna come round during the week and pick up ellies photo's n shit so that i can finally have my computer back to myself. Was a bit disappointed hayley didnt come out today but she was ill so ya know. Hopefully see her wednesday. Im just very drained atm, cba to do my exams or revise im just gonna wing it like i wing everything. Gonna hve to think of some excuses to my english teacher as well. Im gonna go listen to some more music and then go watch a dvd n drop off to sleep. Its the place i seem to be happiest atm, next to being with hayley.

Im off Seinara mofo's!

Hayley babe I love you I just hope you realise that x

My confidence has been killed

Nuff said really

Sex Drugs And Rock And Roll

Well what to say about today? Learnt a few things. Life changes .. fast so better keep up, also learnt to keep my mouth shut about things. As for the perks, met 2 new people today. I finally met tony cannon as we got some weed :) and i mey hazeys friend jadine. Basically woke up played mario, internet, with friends smoked weed good evening turns really weird and now its at a close. I dont really know what to do with myself tbh. Lifes fucked simple. Cba to think about wwhere my achievements n shit are going right now i just need another cigarette. Hopeing to see my baby hayley tomorrow just me and her all day ^_^ Got a few things planned if she does like my fish tanks etc. Other than that not looking forward to much. Exams monday and not even started revising. im fucked basically. Ahh well im off for that cigarette ...
Seinara Peepz!
Hayley <3 xx

Slight Confusion ... + The Mole ;)

Today ... has been an interesting day. Some of the thoughts I thought about what was going on in my life proved to be wrong ... to a degree. Yet maybe it was just the turn of events and they actually are still right i dont know yet. Im still delving deeper. Saw hayley today and had a good time, went a lot better than expected and was rather pleased. I noticed she even pulled me towards her a few times which i thought was an improvement (even if most where so that hazel and brendan could write things on my msn).Had an enjoyable day with hayley and then took her to the train station where she caught her train. Brendan and hazel didnt go home as they are staying tonight. Its been a rather funny eventful night, starting with my aparent demon cat. I thought it was teasing me by scratching the door and running away ... turns out brendan was a twat and locked it in the cupboard :| God knows how amny hours the pooor lil fuck was in there. "OH MY MOLE" this is justn one of the many phrases said tonight that almost had me pissing my self with laughter LITERALLY. I spat my drink all over hazels bag when we were making songs about brendans mole (Which is apparently a malignant tumor that were gonna draw faces on). All in all a rather confusing day and i cba to go into ALL the details as its to early in the morning for that shit maybe another day have to seee how stuff rolls. At the moment im content that my baby seems to pay attention to me and i have my good friends around me. Tbh ... its a start. I am concerned about my money issue still, I lied to my dad about EMA not coming through and spent the whole £30 on some fags, some lunch and a chinese takeaway for us all. Was rather yummy if i do say so myself. Ah well baby steps at the moment. Tomorrow I plan on attempting to get my hair cut lets just hope it all goes well.
Wish me luck Seiniara Moleys ;)
Hayley Rafter I <3 U
P.S I now have to go figure out how to get into my crowded bed :/

The Slow Fall

Today ... has been a day of not a huge amount of interest. Ive learned a few things though so I suppose its worth it. Ive learnt some people go against the very morales and opinions they uphold this rather annoyed me. A few good things happned like when me brendan and scott walked across the pong coz we didnt have the girsl with us. that was fun ^_^.
As for my problems? Im not 100% sure tbh, I feel im back to square one with hayley again and the progress i thought was made last night was just a fluke. My hope slowly starts to die, but alas there is still hope. Cba to work out tonight muscles still ache and have brendan staying round so gonna go back and hang with him soon. Certain points of today have been such a laugh. Like when we were playing mario and we brendan goes "There's a kid dying with a plastic bag on his head" and my only response was " I rather like sandwiches". We laughed for ages lol ( I know were a bunch of tards). Brenno went home this afternoon but not until or amazing trip to town to go buy me some chocolate. Me and brendan also had a fun trip to the fish and chip shop where we fell over like a million times and looked like savages just eating fish with our bare hands at like half nine at night. Was truely lolz.

Although not the greatest day I suppose it could have been worse. Im gonna pray tomorrow is better. Ive got hazel and brendan staying round tomorrow night so that should be fun(Other than listening to them rape eachothers faces all night). I really wish rafter would stay round soon miss her like crazy but alas she is ill. Maybe its why she's being weird im just gonna wiat it out and see what happens. As for now im off to go keep brendan company.
Seinara ^_^ Hayley <3>

The Morning After :)

I know its rather early to be posting a blog but theres already a few things that are gonna cheer me up going on at the moment. Brenno's still here and I have brendan and hazel coming round in a bit after theyre ready. I did ask rafter to come out and i was about to comment on i dunno where the fuck she is but i just got a text saying "helen is sitting in my lesson with me" so that answers it all, she's in school. Shame she couldnt come out but I at least have other things to do to keep me occupied. I do rather miss her though. Maybe she will come out on friday or stay round on the weekend. Ill have to continue my crusade for that. Anyways im off until something more interesting happens.

Seinara Peoples! =D <3>

The End Of The Beginning!

Well I sit here at approximately 2:13 this very second as i start writing. Its the morning and im not tired. Im having trouble sleeping nowadays i think its due to the stress but im hoping my happy go lucky attitude im bringing in will help ease this.So whats my personal opinion of the first day?. I think im feeling a little bit happier in myself now that I have some guidelines and hope for a better future. im just hopeing this upbeatness in attitude lasts. Ive started listening to more screamo music, I dont know why but ive started to like it even though i never used to. Maybe i was just being ignorant coz id never really payed to much attention to it before. I have however found a new band im interested in "black veil brides". Theyre sorta emo screamo but none the less the music is good and i enjoy it. Im considering starting playing guitar more in my spare time and getting my lil sort of project with gabs kicked off soon to fill in some time so i dont have so much free time to think about bad things. At this current moment im quite happy I have brenno asleep behind me he always falls asleep first and my cat on the bed. Im not hungry really stupidly fucking thirsty, neck pain and sore from all my working out. Yet still in a odd lil way happy :)

I said good night to rafter earlier and was pleased to geta i love you back and a couple kisses that made me smile. The true happiness came when i looked on my facebook and saw 1 little tiny heart on my page with her name next to it. I know this may sound stupid but the second i saw that lil image happiness just flooded into me. Its a sign of hope. A sign that we may be able to sort this out and be happy together, coz tbh thats all i want I love her no doubt about it. I have however deleted all the comments and things from my facebook to the point of when me and hayley originally got together. Im going to continually do this until things between me and her are either better or over. The lil heart from her is there to stay though, just to keep my hope alive ;D x

I am now off to go chill for a bit before i go to sleep :)
Seinara Gangstaz :) Joshua Lewis Ginger Loves hayley Rafter

The Day Of Reborn - The Verdict

Well here we are. Ive been thinking about my situation all day getting down about everything and then getting high again. Ive decided the thoughts ive had in the past are wrong and arnt gonna happen (much to brendan and hazels pleasure >.<). Ive been thinking of how im gonna fix my life and hopefully slowly cheer myself up. Its gonna be hard coz lifes full of little disappointments such as today brendan couldnt come round to see me because of the snow. Even though life does have its downs I think im gonna live for the ups, for example brendan couldnt come round but now brenno's staying over. I think its to do with karma and the balance tbh. Im hoping karma will pickup for me as i know ive done some bad things in the past but surely ive suffered enough already. I keep thinking about fate and how it is real to an extent. Ive decided even though i thought my fate was just to be unhappy forever im gonna try and change that.
Few things i think i need to doto start being happy:
Im in like constant desperate need of money so im gonna start job hunting properly now, also ive changed my new years resolution from stop smoking (as ive already failed) to stop borrowing money. Every bit i owe now im gonna pay back. Even hayleys stupid 50 p lol
I need to spend a lil more time and effort on my appearence to help my low self esteem. Im gonna get my lip pierced and start with a 10mm in my left ear i hope it looks good. Ive also thought about changing my style of clothes a bit again. I also wana buy another one of my amazing hat coz i felt better wearing that :)
I need to focus more in school and get my work done. I have no ambition for school and i dont know what I want to be when im older but ive decided ive got to make my grades so i can actually have a choice of being what i want when im older. Maye ill decide before i go uni
The thing that means the most to though is a strong stable relationship. I have an amazing girlfriend and i love her to bits. Were going througha lot at the moment but im praying we get through coz i care for her a lot. If however she does dump me ... ive decided to take a break from girls and become selibate. Its a 50/50 chance could go either way. Or maybe fate has already decided the outcome and i just dont know it yet, its one of the things ive been thinking about.
All in all im hoping to perhaps do some of these things and im thinking of setting myself some targets to help me achieve the overall objectives. Im gonna go have a think. Ill probably post again before I go to bed :)

Seinara bitches!
Hayley Rafter ily <3

The Day Of Reborn

Well today is the 6th of january 2010 and oh what a bad year its been so far. Ive decided to create this blog to detail the changes in my life and how i want to improve it generally. I will use this blog as a record to keep me on track. AS of today it has snowed and im very pleased as i stayed up till about 4 this morning so if it hadnt I would not have been able to get up for school at all. Ive got brendan hopefully coming round today so that should be a laugh. As my life stands at the moment I want to die, but i hope I have the strength and the ambition to change that. My main problem that seems to dwell on my mind currently is my state of affairs with miss hayley rafter. I really love her but things are not running how should we say "smoothly" at the moment. Only two people who are keeping me sane tbh are my amazing friends brendan hall and hazel britt. I love them guys so much. Now im off for a bit while I make some theorys and plots to hopefully change my life around, I should update this later.

seinara mother fuckers :) <3