Well ....

That was interesting?
so ... 5 whole weeks. A lots happened. Hearts made, hearts broken. Its all the same lol
Feelings are pointless and cause a lot of confusion.
Just remember this lyric
I shall return ♫ <3
Night x

Goodbye

I dont know what to do. I can only think of the paths and where they lead. Im to afraid in myself to make a choice. Whatever I choose I lose out on stuff thats very important to me. Something needs to be done soon.

Its All Gonna Fall Back Into Place

BLOGGERZZZ! Bet ya missed me and my whining ;)
Well im back for good and will blog A LOT more now. sorry to disappoint you all but my lifes been preeeeetty hectic atm. Things are finally starting to sort them selves out tbh and im enjoying it. Bad things have happened but I cant change them. Can only look towards the future eh!
I got a lot to blog about so expect a long one tonight :)
As for now gonna go have a bath
Seinaraaa xxx

I love you

and I love life. I love pretty much everyone in it in different ways. Im just that sort of person and along the way I forgot that. Im gonna fix everything but I need things to get there. If you stand by me and can put your trust in me I assure its the best thing you would ahve ever done. If not then im always here for you. Either way im rebuilding broken things.
You can call me bob the builder ;)
night x

I Hate

How things re going at the moment. Everythings fucking up. So many thoughts in my head and I dunno what to do. If things do end I dont want them to end badly. She's still my friend at the end of the day. I just dont want it to end.

She looks to me

There was a time when this was true. I used to be your idol. I broke you. Im human i make mistakakes. Im just one of the bad ones. I plan on not being anymore. I plan to make me that man again. The one you loved.

Looks to me like heaven sent
No lullaby kid no five percent

Anyway you want to cut that cake
She's dyin' from the likes of
abandonment

Lost in the valley without my horses
She needs somebody to hold

It looks to me like heaven
Sent this for your roughest night
She looks to me
She looks to me alright

Who's going to take you home
And hold you when things aren't so bright
She looks to me
She looks to me alright

It's a long walk down those tracks
It's a dirty walk in
It's a dirty walk back
Gonna learn awe way too much
Shootin' dope in the back
Of a Cadillac Jack

Slow down the road to my back 40
She needs somebody to hold

It looks to me like heaven
Sent this for your roughest night
She looks to me
She looks to me alright

Who's going to take you home
And hold you when things aren't so bright
She looks to me
She looks to me alright

Down in the South seas
Give me your mouth please
Resuscitation
Is the way i find these
I give you major
You gave me minor
Don't fade away
Like an ocean liner
Now

Lost in the valley
Without my horses
No one can tell me
What my remorse is

God made this lady
That stands before me
She needs somebody to hold

She shows the world up with a smile
And then she throws the fight
She looks to me she looks to me
All right

Down on the bathroom floor
She's searching for another light
She looks to me she looks to me
All right

It looks to me like heaven
Sent this for your roughest night
She looks to me
She looks to me alright

Who's going to take you home
And hold you when things aren't so bright
She looks to me
She looks to me

Errr .... yeahh

Shits happened. Hayley and me broke up. Brendans fault. Im not a happy bunny about that. Got that sorted now though and if brendans good i suppose she might get back with me. Had a talk yesterday after arguing loads. Got a few things sorted out I hope. Not much else to do now. Other than like wait. Got PS3 online again so that will pass time. going on holiday next week that should kill some too. Dad gave me money to get a new flat screen monior so i can have my computer on my desk again and not on my stupidly big tv. which means I can start blogging again.

My overall opinion of life atm ... Meh
Bye
Hayley i love you x

Get On With It

These are the words i try to muster into my everyday life now. Shit happens. Get over it. im fairly happy with life atm. Still with hayley thats always a good one :)
School works slowly catching up. Still short of money but i applyed for a few jobs and im learning to spend it wiser so its not going TOO bad ya know. Easter soon and looking forward to it. gonna have some good days with hayley me thinks and hopefully some good days with a few pals. Maybe catch up with one or two people ive not seen for a while. got shaun coming round otmorrow so thats one person to catch up with. Might be going gordons for a couple days suring the holidays and im looking forward to it. im off to finish my work now just thought id blog as people kept pestering me i hadnt updated it lol. I really had no idea people actually read mine haha (wilson)
Seinara blooogggg
Hayley x

Amazing

thats all i can say about today. So many laughs. Went psychology and actually did well for once. Hayley came round after school and we had so much fun. She really wore me out haha. We watched 2 dvd's. Well half watched and they was pretty lolz. Im so glad I have my baby back in my life properly <3 xxx

Psychology ...

is so boring. sitting in ICT with brenno doing fuck all. Texting hayley and wishing the school day would be over. Im starting to feel pretty stressed and its making me ill. All added up ts making me a bit down. However I have hayley and my friends so i know ill make it through. I think its time to even life up a bit. give what i get ya know. I work far to hard in my head but maybe its not on the right things. Maybe if i just calmed down and didnt put so much into other things i would be able to focus more on my school work. Social lifes a lil weird atm. dont really see my friends a huge amount as i used to and im missing them a lot. I got hayley so its nice to see her, we usually have an alright time and a laugh doing pretty much fuck all lol. Hope she comes round tonight if not just another boring night in. Brenno stayed last night we watched a dvd and went bed. Didnt get to sleep until 3 however :/
Im starting to come under things. Need to focus.

Getting My facts Straight

So ... What happened today you ask? Well hayley came round and it was pretty lolz. Im not gonna say on here but she now loves ps3 controllers lol. Was a pretty nice day lots of dvd's kissing cuddling, food, drink and my baby all i need for the perfect day really. Really nice sunday afternoon in to be honest. Swear im falling for her more everyday. Thinking of getting the band kicked off soon. Need a job gonna apply for some next week gonna print cvs off at school. Got english essay to do tomorrow last chance. Need money well bad. Got like £13 to last me next week. Gonna go school everyday so i get my EMA so dont have to pester dad so much and hopefully start paying him back. also need to find a new monitor soon or im fucked. Im off to bed. Good night.
Seinara xxx
<3 Hayley <3 xxx

Oh Hai Life

Amazing news! I am finally back with Rafter <3 Im so over the moon about it. We got together yesterday 12th of march and i was so overjoyed when she sent me that relationship request :)
Had a pretty hectic night with the whole conor trying to come round thing when only brendan was invited and loads of arguing and shizzle. Ran away from home for a couple hour or t2 to avoid them but they found me and we sorta talked it out a bit. Managed to convince conor to amke arrangements to go to his nans and me and brendan went back to mine and had a blast.
Althought things are getting better, I know as soon as something gets better theres always some shit to tag along. I pretty much failed my exams :/
Psychology - U
Critical Thinking - D
ICT - E
Pretty shit grades to be honest. I need to work harder and im hoping now i have hayley back ill be more motivated to do so. I feel guilty as my dad is having to pay for my retakes soon and yet he's trying to pay for the television license. Hopefully we can get freeview soon and that should save some money for us. Im on T-mobile now and get unlimited texts for £10 a month pay as you go so thats pretty good. Might have found a way to make my internet cheaper as well. Thats always good. Finally setup cubase properly and my computer how i want it so am gonna start recording some tunes again soon :)
Still in debt to dad but im gonna make sure i go into school without fail so i get my EMA to help pay him off as were short of money atm. Still smoking as ya do, been a fair few months now but i still feel not to bad.
Need a job and to get more work done. Got the my beautiful girlfriend who im so happy and in love with. Things arnt to bad atm. Still on my pills but that dont matter.
Rearranged my room today and it looks immense I love it. Just chill in bed and watch my big tv gonna be good times. Wana get final fantasy 13 soon as its just come out and i love it so much. Oh and the expansion to DOW2, DOW2 Chaos Rising. Seems good so have to have a look at that :)
As for now, im off,
Seinara! xxx
Hayley Rafter I love you <3 xxx

Lonely Feeling

You know, despite things looking up and everything being okay with hayley. Im not with her yet. And i feel a bit alone. Hope we can be together soon.
Hayley Rafter <3

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh, god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget.. you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh, god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your heaaaaddd

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah yeah

Ohhhoh when the starrs
Ohhh oh when the starrrrs that liieee

Not Been Here For A While

So ... hey blog. you been okay? Howz the kids? Ahh fair. Well nice to see youve been okay. As for me?
Ive been down and up but atm im actually amazing tbh. Married to hayley on fb again made my day. Me and her have been doing quite well actually, got a few lil plans sorted and that ya know. I think were bonding better. Was sad to hear that brendy and hazey broke up bless em. Ahh well im just hoping my relationships stays looking up and me and her get back together soon. Im off now so sleepy, will start blogging more promise x
Seinara! I LOVE HAYLEY MOTHER FUCKIN RAFTER!!! <3<3<3 xxxxxxx

First Of Ze Month Biatches!

Its now march. Got good hopes for this month tbh. Saving money in the sense of i now am on a special t-mobile deal that gives me unlimited texts for just £10 a month not on contract. Now i can keep int ouch with everyone, just gotta get a better phone now but thats the least of my worrys. Got lots of things to do. hoping to geta new flatscreen off brendan. got my new speakers and subwoofer off gabs still owe him the cash. Gotta give conor buntu on ps3 so i dont owe him a tenner and pay back simon £45. Still owe dad £170 but slowly getting rid of it. Hoping to get my EMA this weeka nd knock it down too £140. Slowly fixing things with hayley i think. Just gonna roll with this month and stand my ground.
Seinara! night <3 x

Getting Ready

Im preparing ya know. Im slowly becoming me more and i can feel it. Pushover, ha no way. Starting to think more like my old self again. Same mind set and i like it. Better than that depressed shizzle i used tot hink about. I mean dont get me wrong im an emotional guy ill admit but ive always been able to control myself. Past few months have been ... hectic to say the least. Im not putting up with shit from anyone anymore. You got a problem talk i out with me you dont like my decision and you want to leave then thats your choice im sure a lot of people will tell you your missing out on something potentially great. I know how this reads it sounds like its about hayley but its not. Its about anyone who dont wana respect how i am now and what im actually like. Still just friends with rafter but we love eachother and I know that. Not 100% sure how sh feels about that as she might believe i dont love her I dont know but I know i do. Things between us have been okay so far. Few lil bumps but nothing I cant handle. Fed up of chasing people and losing my breath. Winds me up you know. Not good to be so stressed so young. People run. Wait for them to come back. I mean follow but dont wear yourself over it coz if they want to get away that badly then respect that. Dont hold people, as they say if you really love someone let them go. So im happy for whatever happens between me and hayley as long as shes happy. Ill be heartbroken if she left me permenantly but she will be happy so thats all that matters and eventually i will probably be able to move on. Wont be quick though as i really love her. People tell me to just leave it and i they dont know what i see in her but they aint me, so they dont see what i see. In hayley i see a lot. And its one of the most amazing things ive seen yet. I love her and hope she comes back to me. Im cleaning up my act a bit even if people dont think it yet. Its all about the past. Yeh i admit pasts been shitty. Futures gonna be good and im gonna make it good. So lets hope for some brighter posts soon shall we :)
Seinara bloggerzzz <3
Hayley Rafter I love you like I love food! <3
(Feel special thats a lot ;))

Times Are Tough

Life right now is confusing, my moneys being fucked about and i owe loads and just want it off my back. Things between me and hayley are pretty confusing. I love her and know shes worth it even if she does have a go at me sometimes. Im startig to feela lot different. This is a good thing. Its getting to the point where nothing can get me down particularly. Ahh well just gonna see how things go. Keep rolling and do fuck all until something happens for better or worse. Night x <3 Hayley Rafter x <3

The New Start

Its here again. Life. Feels as if ive started again. This is a good thing. Im leaving all the shit behind. Im so excited about me and hayley. Were having ort of a fresh start. Im going to prove that the old me is nothing like the me i became and screwed everything up with. She is proving she isnta pushover and it gives me time to explore myself a bit. Were gonan just be mates for a bit and then if she thinks ive changed and stuff we might start taking it slow again. Im so excited and cant wait. This is where i show ive learnt to be patient. Moneys slowly sorting out just gotta geta job now. School im behind on but my new optimism lets me do work so ill expect ill catch up soon. Thats all for now
Seinaraaaa!

Im Strong

That was always one of your problems with me wasnt it. I was weak. I was a pushover. You clearly never knew the REAL me properly. Ask anyone im as tough as nails. I just want you to get the real me. I wont break. Never do.

It Wasnt Me

It wasnt my fault. You dont know me. You'll see.

Whoaaa Ill Never In Whoaaa Ill Never Give Up

Im feeling heart break from the things you say to me. I feel as if im fading inside everytime you say another way why you dont want to be with me or why im a twat and i hurt you. Im starting to lose it yet get it back. I want it back but without losing you. You know for heartbreak im taking this well. Its my natural optimism. Just take it on my stride. you know what they say plently more fish in the sea, Just one problem. Theres only one like you and thats what i want. I promised i wont give in or give up. I will try to get you back. If not ill leave you but be happy. Thats all i want for you. Dont worry about me, if you really dont wana be with me anymore dont worry about me or anything. Ill be fine. Always am. Thing about me. Optimistic yet unspoken, i keep myself to myself. It'll be fine though as long as its hidden. If you cant see it it cant hurt you.

The Day Of Reborn: Ones True Self

Its over. I figured it all out. Lets just say, im back. I became a monster due to depression. I did things i would never normally have done as myself. But i have had an epiphany and i have risen again. I have complete and utter realization on who i am again. I feel so good for it. I can finally be me again. This realization has however came at a heavy price. I do acknowledge i may have lost one of the most amazing people in my life becuase of it. Hayley Rafter. I hurt her bad and now i finally understand what she means and how she felt. I do wish to try again with her but as me not that psycho monster i became. I do love her i honestly do there is no doubt in that. I hope i have not lost her forever but if i have i can gracefully step her down and let her move on if thats waht makes her happy. I mean at the end of the day thats what you wnat for the ones you love right. For them to be happy. And that is what im going to devout my time to. Making rafter happy even if it means she would rather me leave her alone. Im always here for her and she knows that. I have also almost thrown away friendship with some of my other really good friends. There have been a lot of arguments. I really hurt hazel who i was once so close to but as i changed became so distant. i feel so bad for it but being my spritely self again im going to fix that. she will forgive understand and trust me again in time i know she will because shes one of my best friends. I also hurt brendan a lot. I kept things frm him and didnt listen to his advice sometimes and in a way still sorta went behind his back. But me and him are like soul buddies. He understands and forgives me and even he agreed that this makes so much more sense and instantly saw how much ive changed. Conor i feel i may have taken advantage of a lil. He lends me money and can be a really good friend to me but i still bat him around a lil bit insulting him and stuff. I just hope i never hurt him as he is alsoa really good friend. I love them three. Ive also got my school crew who will be happy to see im back. Gabriel my good old music buddy, marcus my friend who i never see eye to eye with but i know he's there for me. Its a love hate thing th. Kirren my asian girl. Ive not known her long but we became really good friends and i feel i have ignored her recently and i feel bad for it. Dan askew is the newest addition to our gang and also dating kirren. He's never really liked me i feel but ive always thought he was a nice kid. I hope to increase my binds with him too. Brenno my good friend i havent seen him for a while. He has always been there and comes round even if im depressed and its really late. i know he hates it but he comes anyway bless him hes sucha good friend to me and i love him. And last but not least, wilson. Ive known wilson almost all my life and even tho hes really tall slightly john lennon looking i love him anyway. Always have. He can be one of the best friends a guy can ask for. I love all these people so much and am amazed to have them in my life. Im so lucky and im a fool for not realizing and letting myself get into sucha weird phunk and almost ruining my life. Im so happy ive realized all this and things are looking up. I just fear rafter may think it to late. I hope she understands i wasnt myself when i did those bad things. I know it doesnt justify them and i know that. I can honestly without saying it to just to make people happy say ive learned from my mistakes. They will not happen again. I just hope hayley realizes. She means the world to me. Ill leave on the song i sort of rewrote for her. Maybe she will come back to me. Only time and hard work will tell.

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

You are my favourite girl
You are the reason im in this world
Your smile is favourite kind of smile
The way you dress is my favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I never did forget
The look on your face when we first met

I wish we had a favourite beauty spot
That we could love secretly
'It would be a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

Without you my heart would break
without you id be spending the rest of my nights awake
without you i just couldn't eat
you are last thing on my mind before I go to sleep

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something
I wish that you loved me

Farewell ive rather enjoye writing this. I really appreciate the people in my life. I love you all.
Hayley Rafter you are my world, my baby and my love. Im going to make you happy again. Any means possible <3 xxxx

Redemption

I believe in life. When men commit sins. They should be forgiven. Given a chance to realize their sins and redeem themselves. All people are different. Some taking longer than others and more trys. And yet some just cant be fixed. Myabe im lost. Ive learnt my lesson but i keep getting told i havent. Im starting to believe im not worth it anymore. Im not worth your ime. Im not worth my own time. You told me you want me to feel alone. Well its working. Im starting to feel cold. I know what it is. Its my heart breaking. Like you want. I never thought you would do this to me just to prove a point. But fine. Prove your point. Leave me broken. Were not all phoenix's you know.

Another Day

im sitting at home a bit bored. Having the day off so i can get my english essay done and some other bits for next week. Gotta do the washing up grim. Just having a think about my fish tanks and stuff. Dunno how im feeling at the moment. Spent ages last night crying until eventually i fell asleep. Ive come to realize ... i am a monster.

Drifting

Now this post isnt quite what you may think it to sound like. I have a plan. This whole ive changed thing is making me see life in different ways. And making me want to react in different ways. things will be sorted. I promise you. Its as simple just being myself. But not exactly. Giving up things. Being selfish yet selfless. Its all rather complicated. But its shall be done.
Im learning.

Same Old Same Old

Well here we are again. Another shitty situation. You say you cant be bothered as its the same old conversation and its 'effort' so honestly what do you plan on doing.

What Should I do

I have a lot playing on my mind at the moment. Everythings gone from being hazey to clear and its trying to slip back into hazey again. I can never think of the best thing to do to be honest. Hayley's annoyed I think at the fact of what happened the other night where I had a weird moment but nothing actually happened and now she doesnt believe the truth. Thats my fault I fucked it I know. It was made clear again to me soon after. I cant help wanting to fix this. Its become almost an addiction. I put almost my whole very essence of being into this. I pour far to much of my brain. Maybe im over complicating things. Maybe if i relaz it will all be cool. I mean we only had another argument when we was perfect because i freaked out for like 10 minutes. It sill doesnt take away from other concerns. Maybe I should talk about them. Im so afraid of arguments. What if it goes the wrong way. Im not sure. I dont see why it bothers me. Well i sort of do, but maybe its a lil pathetic. I dont know. I might just being pathetic but i dont wana say anything due to the fact I dont wana be labelled as pathetic for some shitty little feeling. I dont know. Im going to think about it all in a little more depth and then make a decision.
As for today. It was alright. Had hayley round watched a couple dvd's cleared out my fish tanks and stuff. Im hoping things will be easier when she gets a car. We are getting closer me and her i think like just little things drawing us together like my fish tanks and random shizzle. Feels nice to do stuff with her and we had a laugh doing it. Im hoping she may be able to come round tuesday as she has a day off but she might not want too have too see. As for money. Im skint. Again. I need lots of things too. im going to use what i hope to be a back payment on friday to pay off simon for the rest of that guitar and maybe some other people depending on how much i get. As for school. Im behind. I know it and its mainly my fault. i left all my work as wilson told me we dont have school tomorrow but apparently we do so im sort of screwed. Im going to try and blag out of it. I installed vista on my computer today and im hoping it will run better than xp did. Might go back to windows 7 if i can find a 32 bit copy. Im off now.
Seinara <3
Haylet Rafter is my baby <3 xx

Ever Noticed How You Fuck Everything Up

You mate are fucked. You make things worse all the time coz you cant sort yourself out. Well you can. But you cant get what you need. Well you can. But you have no patience. Its not your lack of faith. Its your lack of being able to wait for good things to come. Everything sorted and fine. And then you fuck it again. You have a depressive rant and make it seem like you've done something. She dont trust you as it is. Why make her more like what the fuck. Your just fucking it josh. You are a twat. sort it.

Oh Hai Mr Blog

Well, here we are again. At my blog. Not been updated for about ... oh 8 days ish. Not because I have not had stuff to blog but purely because there is far to much to blog. So whats been going on in my life you ask? i cant really remember much. Basically had to choose between hayley or sammi and jodie. i chose hayley because i cba to lose her forever especially over something so trivial and sammi's being a bit of a twat over everything tbh. I really need a job thats gonna be my next venture. Hand some cv's and stuff around and hope. hayley just got a job at standalone farm im really proud of her (:. just me to get one next. I went london with conor today and had a really good time. Were planning on dragging more people down next time. Conor stole some stuff from camden market and got me a new hoody 2 hats a zippo lighter and a new wallet. We was gonna get a kebab for lunch but couldnt find one so had to go mcdonalds instead. Not particularly exciting tbh. Had fun wandering about on the tubes for a bit getting lost. hayleys at some dog/guinea pig show tonight and should be back ina few hours hopefully. Me and her are doing alright atm. We had some whole clean slate thing and a reeeeeally big talk about everything. So i came clean about everything but the lies wasnt to hurt her it was to try and cause less problems. But 2 wrongs dont amke a right and i know that now. shes giving me another chance which im really thankful for coz i really love her and just wana be with her. Valentines day was on sunday and i got hayleya big cuddly teddy being as i know thats one thing she wanted but i dont know what else to ger her. Supose ill have to keep looking around the shops. Need for my money to come through coz i owe Marcus £10, Conor £10, simon £45 and dad £170. Gonna have to find out how to pay it fast. that is all for now and ill try and jkeep more up to date with my blog from now on. Probably blog a bit later and divulge some feelings or something.
Seiniara! ;D
I love hayley rafter to bits! <3 xxx

With all apologies you wake me up,
You hold the porcelain to take me home.

Hold my hand until the waves come,
Hold my hand until the waves come.

This is our last, take care love,
It won't stop, it won't stop a thing.

With all apologies you wake me up,
You hold the porcelain to take me home.

Hold my hand until the waves come,
The waves come,
Just hold my hand until the waves come around.

Those Things You Doooooo

Things in this world arnt real. People lie. People twist, give wrong impressions. The curtains falling and im on that stage. Have i missed my Que? Am i acting in vain? This curtains falling and if we dont decide whats going on im going to be crushed. I sense valentines day may be a key point. I just want you as mine. Just take my hand.

With all apologies you wake me up,
You hold the porcelain to take me home.

Hold my hand until the waves come,
Hold my hand until the waves come.

This is our last, take care love,
It won't stop, it won't stop a thing.

With all apologies you wake me up,
You hold the porcelain to take me home.

Hold my hand until the waves come,
The waves come,
Just hold my hand until the waves come around.

For All Those Moments You Never Mention

Theres a difference in you and i. I believe in one way where as you dont. I believe in what i deem to be the greatest thing you dont. I think theres something there. Its not seeable. Not to the naked eye due o all of the harsh realitys. But there are those times that never get a mention. Those of happiness and of love. Those are the times that will be achieved. I wish to achieve them with you. Bold aspirations.

The Devil Within

im startiing to wander about things. Im starting to wander in myself. There are things that are said. that do not actually make the relevance they are supposed to. people have ben right and wrong. But no one is truely right. All the time. I believe myself to be right quite a lot. But i believe it for certain reasons which i shall not disclose right now. Its come to my conclusion i dwell on things to much. I use my brain to much yet not enough. Peoplemake images of themselves and of other people.My image is wrong. So is yours. Your state of mind has led you to see wrong images. You see light where there is dark and dark where there is light. And also a mix of these. You have bold views and aspirations. i respect that. but these images are false. they are trickery. I do not speak of specifics. the mind is a strange thing. So is willpower. I know of which i think but i do not dare to type as it will not come out correct. The mind is fragile. Yours is using images. These images are not real. therefore its doing what i believe the mind to do. and if its doing what i believe the mind to do then i am overall corect. There is no point to be proven. This i s just interesting.

That Dream

Lifes not simple. no one ever said it was. Yet people wish it was. It cant be its just the way life is. My life is even though i will admit i have a home and most of the necessity's in life should we say simple. its rather complicated but this is a mainly due to my personality and what i believe to be m,y intellect. or im just rather crazy. Probably a bit of both as you know wall the smartest people have been crazy. But yes i talk of my intellect not in a boastful way but more as a natural state of mind for me. Its runs through and makes things that are rather hard to comprehend. its why im rather hard to understand and very few people can. In my life there has been few aspirations to what i want. Some people are driven by many things. I am driven by one thing that is rather rare. therefore at arather disadvante as i have less and harder needs to satisfy. I have chosen the thing that i believe to be rarest and most beautiful in this world. well i say choose yet i did nt choose its me. its my personality. its how i feel. what i know i need. People ridicule me for it. but if only they knew the depth of my feelings but they are should we say easy to convey to other people. I have what seems to be an okay life to the outside world yet they dont understand what truely lies within. i donot wish to explain either its far to much for them to understand. Either that or im just crazy. I notice that as i analyze certain things i sort of trance but as i lose my mind focus my attention shifts to other hthings and i lose what i believe to be my peak intellect. I dont harness my intellect for things such as school work as my main usage is gaining my lifes desire. but as im trying to capture the hardest thing to come by in this world its is rather hard. I dont know how long this is going to take but the path im treading at the moment i think will lead me astray in certain ways. Either to a dead end back to him or worse. im not sure. But as i said times running out. time is of the essence ....

Realisation

Its just hit me like a ton of bricks. My stomachs sunk and maybe i was right. Should I have listened to myself. Things change when you realise things. And when you realise the big things in life that arnt for the best you know its not good. I have realised that being me is not good enough. Im not good enough for what i need. For those who know how my mind logic works (which will be few people and only understand parts) they know of how my life revolves, why im here and my aspirations. I have realised that they are not as clear as once thought as i realise many things. Im not good enough. Either that or im under valued. I dont know which but its probably im not good enough. In this certain mind set im tempted. Tempted to do what i dont wnat tot do. I wnt do it. not just yet. He cant win. Why should he. Caused me enough trouble yet right now seems my salvation. i dnt know what to say. this realisation is just to real. It cant me make or break coz the only choice is break. Time is of the essence ....

The Clocks Running Out

Times running out josh what you gonna do? you gotta fix it somehow but u cant. Your gonna let everyone down. I know you will. You know yoour not strong enough and a twat. you heard ya self to today mate? im ashamed to be you tbh lol. You arnt gonna get there. I know you think you are but you know about me and my ways. You know how i feel. You know what i would of done. Alas ur still letting one side win. I advise you not to. im aware this is personal and no one can understand this apart from em and you but im amking you write this anyway. just like the other one where you angered me. Im still watching. And when you fall i know you will come back. Your pathetic. I will see you soon.

The Good The Bad And Me

My opinion on it all? EVERYONE IS IN THE WRONG! At least at some part. I include in this even myself. Evferyone is arguing but why? Everyones doing something wrong and are trying to hurt eachotehr rather than be the bigger person. Its rather upsetting as im caught in the middle of the love for my baby hayley and that of my friends. Im not gonna make a decision as i refuse to choose. Its just hard to keep everyone happy by remaining neutral but letting them know im there for them if they need me. I wish things could be how they were before this all happened. I still got hope for me and hayley being back together. Me and her had a really nice day today. We watched a dvd and had a snuggle ;). I also owned her arse on COD but she did surprise me that she was actually pretty good at Little Big Planet lol. I have lots of work to do next week to finish before the half term. Im hoping i might see hayley wednesday. Got things to look forward too. Im a little annoyed at some "friends" as they arnt acting really like real friends atm, if someones a real friend you would tell them them the truth even if its going to upset them (Yes i know ive done it in the past but ive learnt my lesson) and if you was a real friend you wouldnt try and steal the one massive thing thats making me happy atm. But alas we shall see how things roll out. I dont hate yu im just rather peeved. We've been through too much for me to hate you even if you hate me. Id just like to throw some love yo wilson gabriel and brenno for being there for me when i need them <3. Much loves for hazel brendan and conor your all sooooo good friends and i love you all. AndMost of all to my baby hayley. We might not be together in the moment but i love and have faith in you and hope to be with you soon <3 xx
Seinara people xxx
Hayley Rafter You Are Gawjusss xxx

I Feel As If Im Fading ...

I love my friends. Especially joshua wilson. He's always there. does a lot to help me that lovely kid. But i cant help feel its all invain. Found out some information that made my heart sink. Im in trouble with hayley for something that wasnt me and i dont know what to do. I sat at my window considering to jump for ages. I got a call telling me not too. I didnt. Only coz i still have hope. Its fucking faint. But its still there. Life can get better. I have faith in hayley. As long as she isnt angry at me about this thing in the morning i hope. Im going out for a walk. Goodnight x
Seiniaraaaa xx
Hayley rafter ill love you until the end of the world xx

The Difference

What to say really. Brenno stayed round last night was too lazy to blog, I do apologize as i havent been keeping quite up to date as i usually do. Its all because atm life is rather hectic. trying to win back the girl, not fail at school fix things with people meanwhile sorting just loads of random shit out. The pills are alright so far havent really noticed to mush of a side effect and i do seem to want to kill myself less. However i know im still not happy with everything and im begining to wonder if theirs any reason to be on this fake happiness. Im cutting down smoking instead of buying 20 decks im buying 10's and hoping when i quit my voice will come back. Nothings as it used to be on these pills. Everything seems different to say the least. For good and bad reasons. theyre making me be a little less lazy. Im going to bed earlier. Im more willing to work. But its playing with my emotions. Its not letting me get across how i feel anymore and distorting my behaviour a little. I miss hayley and want her back. Im gonna go try do some ict work.

seinara for now will probably blog some thoughts later

Hayley ... i love you for fuck sake x

Mhmmm

I dunno how to feel at the moment. I'm very mixed feelings about almost everything. I love Hayley and wanna be with her but its killing me waiting for it all. We haven't argued lately so surely that's a good sign. I hope were together soon. Ellie keeps texting me and stuff. Its a lil annoying just coz i know what she wants. Mates my arse. Tbh im missing the good old days with the friends. Saw some vids that made me lol and reminded me there was a time when me and Marcus didnt actually hate each other. As for the pills? I dont know tbh i still feel depressed just not quite so often but that might just be due to the fact things are looking up and may have no coherent affect of the pills. Had my blood test today, went fine, dunno why people are afraid of needles they dont hurt but ya know. Conors getting a £700 metal guitar and me and him are going to play together. Still upset that Hayley, Brendan and hazel are arguing. I wish we had the good old days again. Ahh well im off to bed cba with this anymore ...
Seniara ...
Hayley i love you <3 x

The Reason

Thats what i am. Im the reason for all this shit thats going on :/. Im not gonna let brendan get beaten up. Anyone touches them and ill break their fingers before they can lay a hand on him. Everyones moaning atm me atm. Brendan and hazel and whatever on one side, hayley on the over. Im stuck in the middle and i dont like it. Words are being twisted and i dont like it. I love you all. Just please if u can stop arguing stop. For my sake and your own. If you leave it it will all cool over. Love you everyone.
Seinaraaaaa!
Hazwick Rasterpig <3 x

I Hate Life

Went doctors got the pills, apaz theyre gonna make me worse before i get better. Its working i feel so down. Im off cba to write.
Seinara
Hayley <3x

The Closing Call

Well I finally have decided to blog. Ive been ill and to tired to actually right anything interesting after sunday nights affairs. How'z my life going you ask? Still pretty shit. Its funny how love can lift you higher than anything, or plunge you right down in the dirt. I am still infatuated with miss rafter and love her loads. Ive been off school a lot but im gonna change that. Im taking the day off tomorrow to go doctors. Im gonna try and get some antiseptic for my arm as i think its infected the chest seems ok though. And a bigger thing is to hopefully get anti-Depressants. Im trying to get my life in shape but after sunday it all feels a little different. Im still shaken truth be told. I told hayley we basically need to make a few rash decisions to either make or break us. Well were already broken so basically decide to fix or walk away. I hope she chooses the right one. Music wise im currently in love with fightstar. The song Mercury Summer is always playing. Means a lot to me and reflects some of my thoughts. Ill leave you with the lyrics to ponder.
Seinaraaa bloggersssss
Hayley Rafter <3 xxx

I hope you make it through
I hope the scene is just as blue as our dream
We've got a long way to climb
Until we see what we've left behind.

We wake to sound of drums
And we are the soldiers of our own events
We are the keys to the kingdom
And we will never wear clothes again

You get up, move around, every time you hear a sound
What do you expect to see
Every time you look at me?
I know this, is gonna be alright.

Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
In the afternoon
I hope you come back soon
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
You just take your time
I hope to see you

So how can you fall asleep?
So close to the fire that is keeping us warm
Sleeping out in the rough
Just let me know when you've had enough.

You get up, move around
Every time you hear a sound
What do you expect to see
Every time you look at me?

I know this,
this is gonna be alright.

Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
In the afternoon
I hope you come back soon
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
just take your time
I hope to see you.

Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
In the afternoon
I hope you come back soon
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
just take your time
I hope to see you.

Oooh oh-oh

Mercury summer
In the afternoon
I hope you come back
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
Just take your time, I hope to see you
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
In the afternoon
I hope you come back soon
Mercury summer (Mercury summer)
Just take your time, I hope to see you

An Odd Night

Wel this was certainly different, hayley was fucking amazing for 2 whole days we had fun and cuddled etc was good. just literally dunno how to descrive how good day where. knew it wouldnt last. We argued botu some shizzle. Ive been proper down. like so bad as in dnt wana live down. Then i found out brendan called ambulance and police to my house. alas theya arrived to find me drunk (yet i hid it well) and a cut up chest and arm. I refused to go hospital and they couldnt do anything about it. After they left the bleeding stopped after a bit. I love all my friends and hayley. im gonna go talk to hayley more.
Seinara xx

Another Day

Well, lets think positive today shall we. I think i may have finally done something right to help me and hayley <3. Me and hazel although have been a lil distant are hopefully gonna tighten our bond again. Gonna see her when i stay round brendans saturday and looking forward to it all :). As for tomorrow Ive got hayley coming round for a bit hopefully, dunno what to do probably talk and wathc some dvd's etc. I wnat her back badly and am gonna keep at it until shes mine again. Didnt do much today wrote about 3 lines in 5 hours during ICT today but ya know its easy to catch up on. As for now im feeling fairly content, me and hayley are being cool and things are looking up slightly. I love hayley, brendan and hazeyy <3
As for now im off to bed im shattered and gotta tidy for when hayley comes tomorrow. Oh and got brendan staying tomorrow so ill probably drink the rest of my alcahol :)
Seinaraaaa! =D
Hayley Rafter is lush <3 x

The Otherside

There you go, your laft alone again, see what happens, you fuck EVERYTHING up. It was better when you was me you didnt fuck everything up. You've gotten soft. That causes your problems this is why it was wrong to change. You left me behind and look where its got you. Your left with nothing at all and everytime you try to get something you either fuck it up or it gets taken off you. Yet you expected her to change as well, change ruins people. You fucked it up with your stupidity. Its good you failed coz now you can just be alone and rot like your fuicking supposed to. I hope you sit in your ropok every night crying until you let me come back. I wont be such a pushover. Maybe things will start to improve. you bitch about girls so much yet its your own fault for letting them walk on you. You was magnificent and now i sit back and watch you drown in your own sorrows that only i can save you from. but you cast me out. So im not going to. I can feel your emotions you want to die, you wnat to bleed i know of the thoughts running through your mind better than anyone else ... i am them. You want to give up coz your weak. Good cut yourself bleed. Die soon please. It will make me happy.

Why

Why is life so confusing? I am so confused about everything thats going on. After everything thats gone on with hayley im still trying. I really love her, even if i do get angry upset and whatever. We have had an alright evening without any arguing without any fights just hoping this all lasts. Got a lot of work ahead of me if im gonna get everything back to the way it was. I miss her so much. I cant wait for her to come round friday. Its gonna be a bit weird coz im gonna have no idea what to do. Do i hug do i stay away or what?, loads of lil things running through my mind. I just dunno. Other than that fuck all happened. Conor and brendan came round and we had a laugh bout it. im off until tomorrow.
Seinaraaaaa
Hayley baby, im not with you, but im still yours <3 x

Look at me up in the sky
I watch the world just pass me by
And all my feelings give me away
It's happening more everyday

Loving you could be so easy
Loving you could be so great
Loving you could be so easy
Loving you could be so great

But how can I try to explain
Your story never seems to stay the same
You're out of touch and I'm out of time
Just talk to me a while
And joke about the things we used to see
It's so hard for me to smile

I've never felt so alone
After all of this there's so much left to lose
And I've taken pieces home
I promise you I never meant to

But how can I complain?
When everybody seems to know my name
You're out of luck and I'm out of line
It's such a selfish compromise
Self indulgent, useless, bunch of lies
I never thought you would believe

Hold me now don't wake me up
Pull me down and then back up
All again for all to see
Low down whisper and guilty stare
Your stagnant beauty makes me glare
Silly games in the sun
In the sun
In the sun
Ooh in the sun

But how can I complain?
Your story never seems to stay the same
I'm out of luck and you're out of line
It's such a selfish compromise
Self indulgent, useless, bunch of lies
I never thought you would believe

Loving you could be so easy
Loving you could be so great
Loving you would be so easy
Loving you could be so great

Maybe a change would keep me high
Stop me thinking and wondering why

Every Man Is An Island

Well, a lot has gone on today tbh, well i say lots yet so little. For s start lots of drama. Have basically almost lost hayley due to the fact I didnt tell her I was seeing sammi. My reasons not to? Just fed up of being accused of cheating or wanting to cheat on her with everyone. Alas she was told and now thinks I have cheated on her even though nothing of the sort happened. Just went town, got me more fags, got pizza watched a movie chilled then she went home. Not even the slightest piece of sexual activity other than the hello and goodbye hug. Not that it matters she wont believe me anyway. She says its due to ive broken her trust but tbh in my opinion she woulda been lke it anyway just not to such a bad degree. Well after crying for a while and thinking i got back into my i dont wana live anymore mode. Its true i do see life as rather bleak and pointless. But I then decided that as i cannot sleep i shall watch a dvd. I sat for about 10 minutes looking but only one caught my eye."about a boy". This is a rather good film in my opinion but it also gave my some psychological insight into my own life a bit. I like the phrase "Every man is an island". It sort of puts a nice philosophy in life and one that im probably going to do more even though the morale of the film is that no man is an island. It seems to annoy hayley that i spend so much time with other people. This i cannot really help due to how i am as a person. I am not a normal person I know that. I dont work like everyone else, I know coz of what i think is a disorder I have and part of it is all the psych analyzing I do of everyone. Therefore I have come to the conclusion I am different. I know everyone is different but everyone has the same sort of guidelines to the ways the are and ways they live their lives. I however even in such a small way break those. Im not the only one, but we are less common. But anyway back more into my lifestyle and the phrase from the film. I like material objects. Such as the big tv im sitting in front of right now. i always try to make my room perfect and strive for things in it. I have concluded I have been trying to my my own personal island in my own home. So that i can be entertained without the need of friends or a relationship which are the few things i crave in life. I dont know if i should crave them although I have been made to feel i am in the wrong for doing so. I think my next inevitable quest is i am going to produce my island to the way i want it. This however requires money another thing on my list. i am currently in debt by quite a lot of money and need to get EMA sorted out at school. I am going to make a money chart so i can control my spending so i can get my debt paid off as fast as possible. I am going to test my limits of this what i think is a some sort of disorder. Im ging to cut down on my friends which seem to be the one thing i crave and see what it does to me. I tend to be suicidal after even small periods of time alone to despair. I am either going to go 2 ways. to the point where i really just wnat to die again or to the point where i start getting used to it. I suppose the best way to fix anything is to bite the bullet as they say. I will probably document my feelings on this. Hopefully also as im doing this it will make hayley more comftorable in the fact i wont be seeing many people so she can know im not getting into any mischief and help relax her feelings about me cheating or giving her more reasons to distrust me. i want to keep her happy atm and show her i do care about her and she means a lot to me. Not even on a love level, i respect her a lot as a friend too. I just want us to be fixed. I think its something easier said than done. Step one will getting into a normal flow with her. Conversations and that of the sort without arguments. Step two will be gaining a little bit more trust back. She told me I only have a certain amount of time to do this which makes me wander does she have someone else lined up or is there a much bigger plan. Im not sure but im not going to make assumptions as they usually get people in trouble. but alas thats my plan for now, as for the other details i think we will think that when we get there. It is currently 3:46 and im still thinking of that god damn girl lol. I think there is something there otherwise i wouldnt usually care so much after going through the amount we have. Its been a lot for only like a month and a half. I might start to occupy myself with more musical things. Currently doing some grand funk railroad with gabs and having a blast. Yes i think music shall make me content as hobby for now. As for this disorder I think im also developing insomnia. I dont know if its from stress or maybe the fact it runs in my family. my brother has it too. I however am going to go think some more maybe text hayley saying i love her or something. its nice to be reminded that people in the world love you. Makes it seem a lil less bitter and more worthwhile. Anyway im off to go think more about my lil island i mean after all i am a man ... I hope :)
Seinara ;)x
Hayley rafter even through all this shit i love you <3 x

Yet Again Im a Wreck

I am yet again far to emotionally drained so ill keep this short. Spent all day fine then hayley hated brendan forever and wants to beat him up. Said she dont wana be with me anymrore or again or sumin coz of him. I told her n all her mates they aint gonna touch him without going through me. now me and hayley are like .. weird. shes gonna ring me in the morning to talk about us. I have to do english work for tomorrow or i cant go in. not gonna have the time so gonna skive and do it.
josh out x

This Mirrors Full Of Lies

Apparently nothings as it seems, lots gone on to drained to write about. Me and hayley argued for hours, start of it being coz i was friends with kirsty, thats over now. Hopefully Ive made hayley happy and trust me more, i really like her but she confuses me a lot. While we was talking we talked about my past sexual relationships and i realised im a slag, im just gonna get with my life. I dont care how worthless or bad i am. My dad shouted at me coz i burst out on the way to the fridge to get milk and i didnt wana tell him what was wrong. I hate my parents. I hate myself and my life. I dont know if this diary things worth it anymore ... spirits gone

This Far From Giving Up

Well how about today? Boring and shit. Highlight of my day was probably going out with ryan McKeever at lunch having a fag and a nice chat. About all. As for the bad? Argued with hayley, got dumped, gotta be on best behaviour and change the way i am and if i dont within a week its over forever. Can I do this? I really dont honestly know. Right now i dont give a fuck. just one of them days. Im gonna sleep on it i think. Well im not gonna go bed for a few hours yet. just gonna sit up and play games and shit till i like pass out. to much on my mind to sleep. Bye
Seinara (yes i know i spell it wrong wilson but this is my way)
Hayley ... x

Music Moves People

Today has been a pretty good day tbh. Nothing bad has really happened. Me and rafter have been cool with each other. Didnt really talk much due to revision but its better than arguing init. I didnt do much went school, watched a dvd in oxleys class was pretty funny. Got a new inside joke with my good friend Mr wilson. Went round wilsons for a couple of hours and played super mario bros smash melee on the cube again (brings back soooo many good memorys). Came home did revsion and not much else happened. I did however manage to conjure up what i hope may be a good new band. Me Guitar/vocals (this may change but for now its that) Conor on guitar and brendan on bass. We just need a drummer now. Got a few ideas for some covers to start us off. thing is brendans got a massive barn we can practice in so that is gonna be a great advantage. We should be set when we got a drummer.
Other than that im off to bed to get soem sleep before my dreaded psychology exam tomorrow :/ Wish me luck
Seiniara mother fuckers! Hayley = <3 x

The Perfect Day ... Almost

What can i say about today. Today has been amazing at parts, yet some where still a lil bit of a let down but i suppose the improvements still there. Im in the thick of it now, exams have started at school. Did my first one today no idea how well i did though. i think ill have passed. Skived school and just lay in for a bit this morning. Then went in for my exam. Walked home with wilson and just chilled at mine for the rest the evening. Internet was fucking me off by not working but ya know works now. I was rather happy that hayley changed our status back to "in a relationship" i think this shows a slight improvement. She sent me a text last night that got me thinking. I want it like that too. Maybe when shes not ill she'll calm down a bit. All in all its looking up a bit. Even though some of this evenings conversations upset me a bit and some of the responsees i got from people. I did have a rather nice chat with muggle though :) We just chatted about shit until i decided i was to tired and wanted to go bed. Im now finishing up my blog before i get into bed while texting hayley, I just hope no more arguments happen or anything. Ahhh well wish me luck
Seinara ladies and gentlemen ^_^
Hayley rafter i love you :) Even if you dont wana say it back lol xx

Complete Fail ...

That is what ive been thinking about my day. This whole climbing to the top thing isnt owrking, in fact im doing the opposite im slowly sinking lower. Ive made worse my problems due to anger. Me and hayley were almost at a break up today then after a loooong talk decided one more try. Im fed up of doing everything wrong, im starting to hate myself so much more. I have plans, some of which dont make me happy but have to be done. Ive been having a rather psychological day today, thinking about how people work and doing more analyzing. Ive been told not to coz i have a tendancy to analyze myself and thats dangerous. Alas i do it anyway and has just led to more trouble. Brendan might not be able to come out next week so tahts a bummer. Ive got exams to revise for which is why im writing my blog early, first being critical thinking tomorrow :/ As for money im still skint and may have to borrow justa little bit off my dad to pay for internet and a top up but that should last a little while so hopefully ill be able to get it all sorted soon.

So what can i say ive achieved today? ... I mopped the kitchen and bathroom floor ... big woop. Today has been a complete fail.
Im now off to do my shitty schoolwork and revsion, try and fix my relationship and perhaps get a drink. Might have an update later if more things happen or i remember something or am just plain bored.
Seinara ...
oh and its 3 weeks for me and rafter today x
She didnt seem very interested when i told her yesterday. its all about timing

The Coldest Hour

You know you have a lot of work to do when you have to ask for a goodbye :/ I dont quite know whats going on there tbh. I dont wana think about it atm. I remembered karinas gonna come round during the week and pick up ellies photo's n shit so that i can finally have my computer back to myself. Was a bit disappointed hayley didnt come out today but she was ill so ya know. Hopefully see her wednesday. Im just very drained atm, cba to do my exams or revise im just gonna wing it like i wing everything. Gonna hve to think of some excuses to my english teacher as well. Im gonna go listen to some more music and then go watch a dvd n drop off to sleep. Its the place i seem to be happiest atm, next to being with hayley.

Im off Seinara mofo's!

Hayley babe I love you I just hope you realise that x

My confidence has been killed

Nuff said really

Sex Drugs And Rock And Roll

Well what to say about today? Learnt a few things. Life changes .. fast so better keep up, also learnt to keep my mouth shut about things. As for the perks, met 2 new people today. I finally met tony cannon as we got some weed :) and i mey hazeys friend jadine. Basically woke up played mario, internet, with friends smoked weed good evening turns really weird and now its at a close. I dont really know what to do with myself tbh. Lifes fucked simple. Cba to think about wwhere my achievements n shit are going right now i just need another cigarette. Hopeing to see my baby hayley tomorrow just me and her all day ^_^ Got a few things planned if she does like my fish tanks etc. Other than that not looking forward to much. Exams monday and not even started revising. im fucked basically. Ahh well im off for that cigarette ...
Seinara Peepz!
Hayley <3 xx

Slight Confusion ... + The Mole ;)

Today ... has been an interesting day. Some of the thoughts I thought about what was going on in my life proved to be wrong ... to a degree. Yet maybe it was just the turn of events and they actually are still right i dont know yet. Im still delving deeper. Saw hayley today and had a good time, went a lot better than expected and was rather pleased. I noticed she even pulled me towards her a few times which i thought was an improvement (even if most where so that hazel and brendan could write things on my msn).Had an enjoyable day with hayley and then took her to the train station where she caught her train. Brendan and hazel didnt go home as they are staying tonight. Its been a rather funny eventful night, starting with my aparent demon cat. I thought it was teasing me by scratching the door and running away ... turns out brendan was a twat and locked it in the cupboard :| God knows how amny hours the pooor lil fuck was in there. "OH MY MOLE" this is justn one of the many phrases said tonight that almost had me pissing my self with laughter LITERALLY. I spat my drink all over hazels bag when we were making songs about brendans mole (Which is apparently a malignant tumor that were gonna draw faces on). All in all a rather confusing day and i cba to go into ALL the details as its to early in the morning for that shit maybe another day have to seee how stuff rolls. At the moment im content that my baby seems to pay attention to me and i have my good friends around me. Tbh ... its a start. I am concerned about my money issue still, I lied to my dad about EMA not coming through and spent the whole £30 on some fags, some lunch and a chinese takeaway for us all. Was rather yummy if i do say so myself. Ah well baby steps at the moment. Tomorrow I plan on attempting to get my hair cut lets just hope it all goes well.
Wish me luck Seiniara Moleys ;)
Hayley Rafter I <3 U
P.S I now have to go figure out how to get into my crowded bed :/

The Slow Fall

Today ... has been a day of not a huge amount of interest. Ive learned a few things though so I suppose its worth it. Ive learnt some people go against the very morales and opinions they uphold this rather annoyed me. A few good things happned like when me brendan and scott walked across the pong coz we didnt have the girsl with us. that was fun ^_^.
As for my problems? Im not 100% sure tbh, I feel im back to square one with hayley again and the progress i thought was made last night was just a fluke. My hope slowly starts to die, but alas there is still hope. Cba to work out tonight muscles still ache and have brendan staying round so gonna go back and hang with him soon. Certain points of today have been such a laugh. Like when we were playing mario and we brendan goes "There's a kid dying with a plastic bag on his head" and my only response was " I rather like sandwiches". We laughed for ages lol ( I know were a bunch of tards). Brenno went home this afternoon but not until or amazing trip to town to go buy me some chocolate. Me and brendan also had a fun trip to the fish and chip shop where we fell over like a million times and looked like savages just eating fish with our bare hands at like half nine at night. Was truely lolz.

Although not the greatest day I suppose it could have been worse. Im gonna pray tomorrow is better. Ive got hazel and brendan staying round tomorrow night so that should be fun(Other than listening to them rape eachothers faces all night). I really wish rafter would stay round soon miss her like crazy but alas she is ill. Maybe its why she's being weird im just gonna wiat it out and see what happens. As for now im off to go keep brendan company.
Seinara ^_^ Hayley <3>

The Morning After :)

I know its rather early to be posting a blog but theres already a few things that are gonna cheer me up going on at the moment. Brenno's still here and I have brendan and hazel coming round in a bit after theyre ready. I did ask rafter to come out and i was about to comment on i dunno where the fuck she is but i just got a text saying "helen is sitting in my lesson with me" so that answers it all, she's in school. Shame she couldnt come out but I at least have other things to do to keep me occupied. I do rather miss her though. Maybe she will come out on friday or stay round on the weekend. Ill have to continue my crusade for that. Anyways im off until something more interesting happens.

Seinara Peoples! =D <3>

The End Of The Beginning!

Well I sit here at approximately 2:13 this very second as i start writing. Its the morning and im not tired. Im having trouble sleeping nowadays i think its due to the stress but im hoping my happy go lucky attitude im bringing in will help ease this.So whats my personal opinion of the first day?. I think im feeling a little bit happier in myself now that I have some guidelines and hope for a better future. im just hopeing this upbeatness in attitude lasts. Ive started listening to more screamo music, I dont know why but ive started to like it even though i never used to. Maybe i was just being ignorant coz id never really payed to much attention to it before. I have however found a new band im interested in "black veil brides". Theyre sorta emo screamo but none the less the music is good and i enjoy it. Im considering starting playing guitar more in my spare time and getting my lil sort of project with gabs kicked off soon to fill in some time so i dont have so much free time to think about bad things. At this current moment im quite happy I have brenno asleep behind me he always falls asleep first and my cat on the bed. Im not hungry really stupidly fucking thirsty, neck pain and sore from all my working out. Yet still in a odd lil way happy :)

I said good night to rafter earlier and was pleased to geta i love you back and a couple kisses that made me smile. The true happiness came when i looked on my facebook and saw 1 little tiny heart on my page with her name next to it. I know this may sound stupid but the second i saw that lil image happiness just flooded into me. Its a sign of hope. A sign that we may be able to sort this out and be happy together, coz tbh thats all i want I love her no doubt about it. I have however deleted all the comments and things from my facebook to the point of when me and hayley originally got together. Im going to continually do this until things between me and her are either better or over. The lil heart from her is there to stay though, just to keep my hope alive ;D x

I am now off to go chill for a bit before i go to sleep :)
Seinara Gangstaz :) Joshua Lewis Ginger Loves hayley Rafter

The Day Of Reborn - The Verdict

Well here we are. Ive been thinking about my situation all day getting down about everything and then getting high again. Ive decided the thoughts ive had in the past are wrong and arnt gonna happen (much to brendan and hazels pleasure >.<). Ive been thinking of how im gonna fix my life and hopefully slowly cheer myself up. Its gonna be hard coz lifes full of little disappointments such as today brendan couldnt come round to see me because of the snow. Even though life does have its downs I think im gonna live for the ups, for example brendan couldnt come round but now brenno's staying over. I think its to do with karma and the balance tbh. Im hoping karma will pickup for me as i know ive done some bad things in the past but surely ive suffered enough already. I keep thinking about fate and how it is real to an extent. Ive decided even though i thought my fate was just to be unhappy forever im gonna try and change that.
Few things i think i need to doto start being happy:
Im in like constant desperate need of money so im gonna start job hunting properly now, also ive changed my new years resolution from stop smoking (as ive already failed) to stop borrowing money. Every bit i owe now im gonna pay back. Even hayleys stupid 50 p lol
I need to spend a lil more time and effort on my appearence to help my low self esteem. Im gonna get my lip pierced and start with a 10mm in my left ear i hope it looks good. Ive also thought about changing my style of clothes a bit again. I also wana buy another one of my amazing hat coz i felt better wearing that :)
I need to focus more in school and get my work done. I have no ambition for school and i dont know what I want to be when im older but ive decided ive got to make my grades so i can actually have a choice of being what i want when im older. Maye ill decide before i go uni
The thing that means the most to though is a strong stable relationship. I have an amazing girlfriend and i love her to bits. Were going througha lot at the moment but im praying we get through coz i care for her a lot. If however she does dump me ... ive decided to take a break from girls and become selibate. Its a 50/50 chance could go either way. Or maybe fate has already decided the outcome and i just dont know it yet, its one of the things ive been thinking about.
All in all im hoping to perhaps do some of these things and im thinking of setting myself some targets to help me achieve the overall objectives. Im gonna go have a think. Ill probably post again before I go to bed :)

Seinara bitches!
Hayley Rafter ily <3

The Day Of Reborn

Well today is the 6th of january 2010 and oh what a bad year its been so far. Ive decided to create this blog to detail the changes in my life and how i want to improve it generally. I will use this blog as a record to keep me on track. AS of today it has snowed and im very pleased as i stayed up till about 4 this morning so if it hadnt I would not have been able to get up for school at all. Ive got brendan hopefully coming round today so that should be a laugh. As my life stands at the moment I want to die, but i hope I have the strength and the ambition to change that. My main problem that seems to dwell on my mind currently is my state of affairs with miss hayley rafter. I really love her but things are not running how should we say "smoothly" at the moment. Only two people who are keeping me sane tbh are my amazing friends brendan hall and hazel britt. I love them guys so much. Now im off for a bit while I make some theorys and plots to hopefully change my life around, I should update this later.

seinara mother fuckers :) <3