Its over. I figured it all out. Lets just say, im back. I became a monster due to depression. I did things i would never normally have done as myself. But i have had an epiphany and i have risen again. I have complete and utter realization on who i am again. I feel so good for it. I can finally be me again. This realization has however came at a heavy price. I do acknowledge i may have lost one of the most amazing people in my life becuase of it. Hayley Rafter. I hurt her bad and now i finally understand what she means and how she felt. I do wish to try again with her but as me not that psycho monster i became. I do love her i honestly do there is no doubt in that. I hope i have not lost her forever but if i have i can gracefully step her down and let her move on if thats waht makes her happy. I mean at the end of the day thats what you wnat for the ones you love right. For them to be happy. And that is what im going to devout my time to. Making rafter happy even if it means she would rather me leave her alone. Im always here for her and she knows that. I have also almost thrown away friendship with some of my other really good friends. There have been a lot of arguments. I really hurt hazel who i was once so close to but as i changed became so distant. i feel so bad for it but being my spritely self again im going to fix that. she will forgive understand and trust me again in time i know she will because shes one of my best friends. I also hurt brendan a lot. I kept things frm him and didnt listen to his advice sometimes and in a way still sorta went behind his back. But me and him are like soul buddies. He understands and forgives me and even he agreed that this makes so much more sense and instantly saw how much ive changed. Conor i feel i may have taken advantage of a lil. He lends me money and can be a really good friend to me but i still bat him around a lil bit insulting him and stuff. I just hope i never hurt him as he is alsoa really good friend. I love them three. Ive also got my school crew who will be happy to see im back. Gabriel my good old music buddy, marcus my friend who i never see eye to eye with but i know he's there for me. Its a love hate thing th. Kirren my asian girl. Ive not known her long but we became really good friends and i feel i have ignored her recently and i feel bad for it. Dan askew is the newest addition to our gang and also dating kirren. He's never really liked me i feel but ive always thought he was a nice kid. I hope to increase my binds with him too. Brenno my good friend i havent seen him for a while. He has always been there and comes round even if im depressed and its really late. i know he hates it but he comes anyway bless him hes sucha good friend to me and i love him. And last but not least, wilson. Ive known wilson almost all my life and even tho hes really tall slightly john lennon looking i love him anyway. Always have. He can be one of the best friends a guy can ask for. I love all these people so much and am amazed to have them in my life. Im so lucky and im a fool for not realizing and letting myself get into sucha weird phunk and almost ruining my life. Im so happy ive realized all this and things are looking up. I just fear rafter may think it to late. I hope she understands i wasnt myself when i did those bad things. I know it doesnt justify them and i know that. I can honestly without saying it to just to make people happy say ive learned from my mistakes. They will not happen again. I just hope hayley realizes. She means the world to me. Ill leave on the song i sort of rewrote for her. Maybe she will come back to me. Only time and hard work will tell.
All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something
You are my favourite girl
You are the reason im in this world
Your smile is favourite kind of smile
The way you dress is my favourite kind of style
I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I never did forget
The look on your face when we first met
I wish we had a favourite beauty spot
That we could love secretly
'It would be a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three
Without you my heart would break
without you id be spending the rest of my nights awake
without you i just couldn't eat
you are last thing on my mind before I go to sleep
I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep
Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something
I wish that you loved me
Farewell ive rather enjoye writing this. I really appreciate the people in my life. I love you all.
Hayley Rafter you are my world, my baby and my love. Im going to make you happy again. Any means possible <3 xxxx
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