Times Are Tough

Life right now is confusing, my moneys being fucked about and i owe loads and just want it off my back. Things between me and hayley are pretty confusing. I love her and know shes worth it even if she does have a go at me sometimes. Im startig to feela lot different. This is a good thing. Its getting to the point where nothing can get me down particularly. Ahh well just gonna see how things go. Keep rolling and do fuck all until something happens for better or worse. Night x <3 Hayley Rafter x <3

The New Start

Its here again. Life. Feels as if ive started again. This is a good thing. Im leaving all the shit behind. Im so excited about me and hayley. Were having ort of a fresh start. Im going to prove that the old me is nothing like the me i became and screwed everything up with. She is proving she isnta pushover and it gives me time to explore myself a bit. Were gonan just be mates for a bit and then if she thinks ive changed and stuff we might start taking it slow again. Im so excited and cant wait. This is where i show ive learnt to be patient. Moneys slowly sorting out just gotta geta job now. School im behind on but my new optimism lets me do work so ill expect ill catch up soon. Thats all for now
Seinaraaaa!

Im Strong

That was always one of your problems with me wasnt it. I was weak. I was a pushover. You clearly never knew the REAL me properly. Ask anyone im as tough as nails. I just want you to get the real me. I wont break. Never do.

It Wasnt Me

It wasnt my fault. You dont know me. You'll see.

Whoaaa Ill Never In Whoaaa Ill Never Give Up

Im feeling heart break from the things you say to me. I feel as if im fading inside everytime you say another way why you dont want to be with me or why im a twat and i hurt you. Im starting to lose it yet get it back. I want it back but without losing you. You know for heartbreak im taking this well. Its my natural optimism. Just take it on my stride. you know what they say plently more fish in the sea, Just one problem. Theres only one like you and thats what i want. I promised i wont give in or give up. I will try to get you back. If not ill leave you but be happy. Thats all i want for you. Dont worry about me, if you really dont wana be with me anymore dont worry about me or anything. Ill be fine. Always am. Thing about me. Optimistic yet unspoken, i keep myself to myself. It'll be fine though as long as its hidden. If you cant see it it cant hurt you.

The Day Of Reborn: Ones True Self

Its over. I figured it all out. Lets just say, im back. I became a monster due to depression. I did things i would never normally have done as myself. But i have had an epiphany and i have risen again. I have complete and utter realization on who i am again. I feel so good for it. I can finally be me again. This realization has however came at a heavy price. I do acknowledge i may have lost one of the most amazing people in my life becuase of it. Hayley Rafter. I hurt her bad and now i finally understand what she means and how she felt. I do wish to try again with her but as me not that psycho monster i became. I do love her i honestly do there is no doubt in that. I hope i have not lost her forever but if i have i can gracefully step her down and let her move on if thats waht makes her happy. I mean at the end of the day thats what you wnat for the ones you love right. For them to be happy. And that is what im going to devout my time to. Making rafter happy even if it means she would rather me leave her alone. Im always here for her and she knows that. I have also almost thrown away friendship with some of my other really good friends. There have been a lot of arguments. I really hurt hazel who i was once so close to but as i changed became so distant. i feel so bad for it but being my spritely self again im going to fix that. she will forgive understand and trust me again in time i know she will because shes one of my best friends. I also hurt brendan a lot. I kept things frm him and didnt listen to his advice sometimes and in a way still sorta went behind his back. But me and him are like soul buddies. He understands and forgives me and even he agreed that this makes so much more sense and instantly saw how much ive changed. Conor i feel i may have taken advantage of a lil. He lends me money and can be a really good friend to me but i still bat him around a lil bit insulting him and stuff. I just hope i never hurt him as he is alsoa really good friend. I love them three. Ive also got my school crew who will be happy to see im back. Gabriel my good old music buddy, marcus my friend who i never see eye to eye with but i know he's there for me. Its a love hate thing th. Kirren my asian girl. Ive not known her long but we became really good friends and i feel i have ignored her recently and i feel bad for it. Dan askew is the newest addition to our gang and also dating kirren. He's never really liked me i feel but ive always thought he was a nice kid. I hope to increase my binds with him too. Brenno my good friend i havent seen him for a while. He has always been there and comes round even if im depressed and its really late. i know he hates it but he comes anyway bless him hes sucha good friend to me and i love him. And last but not least, wilson. Ive known wilson almost all my life and even tho hes really tall slightly john lennon looking i love him anyway. Always have. He can be one of the best friends a guy can ask for. I love all these people so much and am amazed to have them in my life. Im so lucky and im a fool for not realizing and letting myself get into sucha weird phunk and almost ruining my life. Im so happy ive realized all this and things are looking up. I just fear rafter may think it to late. I hope she understands i wasnt myself when i did those bad things. I know it doesnt justify them and i know that. I can honestly without saying it to just to make people happy say ive learned from my mistakes. They will not happen again. I just hope hayley realizes. She means the world to me. Ill leave on the song i sort of rewrote for her. Maybe she will come back to me. Only time and hard work will tell.

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

You are my favourite girl
You are the reason im in this world
Your smile is favourite kind of smile
The way you dress is my favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you'd always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I never did forget
The look on your face when we first met

I wish we had a favourite beauty spot
That we could love secretly
'It would be a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

Without you my heart would break
without you id be spending the rest of my nights awake
without you i just couldn't eat
you are last thing on my mind before I go to sleep

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something
I wish that you loved me

Farewell ive rather enjoye writing this. I really appreciate the people in my life. I love you all.
Hayley Rafter you are my world, my baby and my love. Im going to make you happy again. Any means possible <3 xxxx

Redemption

I believe in life. When men commit sins. They should be forgiven. Given a chance to realize their sins and redeem themselves. All people are different. Some taking longer than others and more trys. And yet some just cant be fixed. Myabe im lost. Ive learnt my lesson but i keep getting told i havent. Im starting to believe im not worth it anymore. Im not worth your ime. Im not worth my own time. You told me you want me to feel alone. Well its working. Im starting to feel cold. I know what it is. Its my heart breaking. Like you want. I never thought you would do this to me just to prove a point. But fine. Prove your point. Leave me broken. Were not all phoenix's you know.

Another Day

im sitting at home a bit bored. Having the day off so i can get my english essay done and some other bits for next week. Gotta do the washing up grim. Just having a think about my fish tanks and stuff. Dunno how im feeling at the moment. Spent ages last night crying until eventually i fell asleep. Ive come to realize ... i am a monster.

Drifting

Now this post isnt quite what you may think it to sound like. I have a plan. This whole ive changed thing is making me see life in different ways. And making me want to react in different ways. things will be sorted. I promise you. Its as simple just being myself. But not exactly. Giving up things. Being selfish yet selfless. Its all rather complicated. But its shall be done.
Im learning.

Same Old Same Old

Well here we are again. Another shitty situation. You say you cant be bothered as its the same old conversation and its 'effort' so honestly what do you plan on doing.

What Should I do

I have a lot playing on my mind at the moment. Everythings gone from being hazey to clear and its trying to slip back into hazey again. I can never think of the best thing to do to be honest. Hayley's annoyed I think at the fact of what happened the other night where I had a weird moment but nothing actually happened and now she doesnt believe the truth. Thats my fault I fucked it I know. It was made clear again to me soon after. I cant help wanting to fix this. Its become almost an addiction. I put almost my whole very essence of being into this. I pour far to much of my brain. Maybe im over complicating things. Maybe if i relaz it will all be cool. I mean we only had another argument when we was perfect because i freaked out for like 10 minutes. It sill doesnt take away from other concerns. Maybe I should talk about them. Im so afraid of arguments. What if it goes the wrong way. Im not sure. I dont see why it bothers me. Well i sort of do, but maybe its a lil pathetic. I dont know. I might just being pathetic but i dont wana say anything due to the fact I dont wana be labelled as pathetic for some shitty little feeling. I dont know. Im going to think about it all in a little more depth and then make a decision.
As for today. It was alright. Had hayley round watched a couple dvd's cleared out my fish tanks and stuff. Im hoping things will be easier when she gets a car. We are getting closer me and her i think like just little things drawing us together like my fish tanks and random shizzle. Feels nice to do stuff with her and we had a laugh doing it. Im hoping she may be able to come round tuesday as she has a day off but she might not want too have too see. As for money. Im skint. Again. I need lots of things too. im going to use what i hope to be a back payment on friday to pay off simon for the rest of that guitar and maybe some other people depending on how much i get. As for school. Im behind. I know it and its mainly my fault. i left all my work as wilson told me we dont have school tomorrow but apparently we do so im sort of screwed. Im going to try and blag out of it. I installed vista on my computer today and im hoping it will run better than xp did. Might go back to windows 7 if i can find a 32 bit copy. Im off now.
Seinara <3
Haylet Rafter is my baby <3 xx

Ever Noticed How You Fuck Everything Up

You mate are fucked. You make things worse all the time coz you cant sort yourself out. Well you can. But you cant get what you need. Well you can. But you have no patience. Its not your lack of faith. Its your lack of being able to wait for good things to come. Everything sorted and fine. And then you fuck it again. You have a depressive rant and make it seem like you've done something. She dont trust you as it is. Why make her more like what the fuck. Your just fucking it josh. You are a twat. sort it.

Oh Hai Mr Blog

Well, here we are again. At my blog. Not been updated for about ... oh 8 days ish. Not because I have not had stuff to blog but purely because there is far to much to blog. So whats been going on in my life you ask? i cant really remember much. Basically had to choose between hayley or sammi and jodie. i chose hayley because i cba to lose her forever especially over something so trivial and sammi's being a bit of a twat over everything tbh. I really need a job thats gonna be my next venture. Hand some cv's and stuff around and hope. hayley just got a job at standalone farm im really proud of her (:. just me to get one next. I went london with conor today and had a really good time. Were planning on dragging more people down next time. Conor stole some stuff from camden market and got me a new hoody 2 hats a zippo lighter and a new wallet. We was gonna get a kebab for lunch but couldnt find one so had to go mcdonalds instead. Not particularly exciting tbh. Had fun wandering about on the tubes for a bit getting lost. hayleys at some dog/guinea pig show tonight and should be back ina few hours hopefully. Me and her are doing alright atm. We had some whole clean slate thing and a reeeeeally big talk about everything. So i came clean about everything but the lies wasnt to hurt her it was to try and cause less problems. But 2 wrongs dont amke a right and i know that now. shes giving me another chance which im really thankful for coz i really love her and just wana be with her. Valentines day was on sunday and i got hayleya big cuddly teddy being as i know thats one thing she wanted but i dont know what else to ger her. Supose ill have to keep looking around the shops. Need for my money to come through coz i owe Marcus £10, Conor £10, simon £45 and dad £170. Gonna have to find out how to pay it fast. that is all for now and ill try and jkeep more up to date with my blog from now on. Probably blog a bit later and divulge some feelings or something.
Seiniara! ;D
I love hayley rafter to bits! <3 xxx

With all apologies you wake me up,
You hold the porcelain to take me home.

Hold my hand until the waves come,
Hold my hand until the waves come.

This is our last, take care love,
It won't stop, it won't stop a thing.

With all apologies you wake me up,
You hold the porcelain to take me home.

Hold my hand until the waves come,
The waves come,
Just hold my hand until the waves come around.

Those Things You Doooooo

Things in this world arnt real. People lie. People twist, give wrong impressions. The curtains falling and im on that stage. Have i missed my Que? Am i acting in vain? This curtains falling and if we dont decide whats going on im going to be crushed. I sense valentines day may be a key point. I just want you as mine. Just take my hand.

With all apologies you wake me up,
You hold the porcelain to take me home.

Hold my hand until the waves come,
Hold my hand until the waves come.

This is our last, take care love,
It won't stop, it won't stop a thing.

With all apologies you wake me up,
You hold the porcelain to take me home.

Hold my hand until the waves come,
The waves come,
Just hold my hand until the waves come around.

For All Those Moments You Never Mention

Theres a difference in you and i. I believe in one way where as you dont. I believe in what i deem to be the greatest thing you dont. I think theres something there. Its not seeable. Not to the naked eye due o all of the harsh realitys. But there are those times that never get a mention. Those of happiness and of love. Those are the times that will be achieved. I wish to achieve them with you. Bold aspirations.

The Devil Within

im startiing to wander about things. Im starting to wander in myself. There are things that are said. that do not actually make the relevance they are supposed to. people have ben right and wrong. But no one is truely right. All the time. I believe myself to be right quite a lot. But i believe it for certain reasons which i shall not disclose right now. Its come to my conclusion i dwell on things to much. I use my brain to much yet not enough. Peoplemake images of themselves and of other people.My image is wrong. So is yours. Your state of mind has led you to see wrong images. You see light where there is dark and dark where there is light. And also a mix of these. You have bold views and aspirations. i respect that. but these images are false. they are trickery. I do not speak of specifics. the mind is a strange thing. So is willpower. I know of which i think but i do not dare to type as it will not come out correct. The mind is fragile. Yours is using images. These images are not real. therefore its doing what i believe the mind to do. and if its doing what i believe the mind to do then i am overall corect. There is no point to be proven. This i s just interesting.

That Dream

Lifes not simple. no one ever said it was. Yet people wish it was. It cant be its just the way life is. My life is even though i will admit i have a home and most of the necessity's in life should we say simple. its rather complicated but this is a mainly due to my personality and what i believe to be m,y intellect. or im just rather crazy. Probably a bit of both as you know wall the smartest people have been crazy. But yes i talk of my intellect not in a boastful way but more as a natural state of mind for me. Its runs through and makes things that are rather hard to comprehend. its why im rather hard to understand and very few people can. In my life there has been few aspirations to what i want. Some people are driven by many things. I am driven by one thing that is rather rare. therefore at arather disadvante as i have less and harder needs to satisfy. I have chosen the thing that i believe to be rarest and most beautiful in this world. well i say choose yet i did nt choose its me. its my personality. its how i feel. what i know i need. People ridicule me for it. but if only they knew the depth of my feelings but they are should we say easy to convey to other people. I have what seems to be an okay life to the outside world yet they dont understand what truely lies within. i donot wish to explain either its far to much for them to understand. Either that or im just crazy. I notice that as i analyze certain things i sort of trance but as i lose my mind focus my attention shifts to other hthings and i lose what i believe to be my peak intellect. I dont harness my intellect for things such as school work as my main usage is gaining my lifes desire. but as im trying to capture the hardest thing to come by in this world its is rather hard. I dont know how long this is going to take but the path im treading at the moment i think will lead me astray in certain ways. Either to a dead end back to him or worse. im not sure. But as i said times running out. time is of the essence ....

Realisation

Its just hit me like a ton of bricks. My stomachs sunk and maybe i was right. Should I have listened to myself. Things change when you realise things. And when you realise the big things in life that arnt for the best you know its not good. I have realised that being me is not good enough. Im not good enough for what i need. For those who know how my mind logic works (which will be few people and only understand parts) they know of how my life revolves, why im here and my aspirations. I have realised that they are not as clear as once thought as i realise many things. Im not good enough. Either that or im under valued. I dont know which but its probably im not good enough. In this certain mind set im tempted. Tempted to do what i dont wnat tot do. I wnt do it. not just yet. He cant win. Why should he. Caused me enough trouble yet right now seems my salvation. i dnt know what to say. this realisation is just to real. It cant me make or break coz the only choice is break. Time is of the essence ....

The Clocks Running Out

Times running out josh what you gonna do? you gotta fix it somehow but u cant. Your gonna let everyone down. I know you will. You know yoour not strong enough and a twat. you heard ya self to today mate? im ashamed to be you tbh lol. You arnt gonna get there. I know you think you are but you know about me and my ways. You know how i feel. You know what i would of done. Alas ur still letting one side win. I advise you not to. im aware this is personal and no one can understand this apart from em and you but im amking you write this anyway. just like the other one where you angered me. Im still watching. And when you fall i know you will come back. Your pathetic. I will see you soon.

The Good The Bad And Me

My opinion on it all? EVERYONE IS IN THE WRONG! At least at some part. I include in this even myself. Evferyone is arguing but why? Everyones doing something wrong and are trying to hurt eachotehr rather than be the bigger person. Its rather upsetting as im caught in the middle of the love for my baby hayley and that of my friends. Im not gonna make a decision as i refuse to choose. Its just hard to keep everyone happy by remaining neutral but letting them know im there for them if they need me. I wish things could be how they were before this all happened. I still got hope for me and hayley being back together. Me and her had a really nice day today. We watched a dvd and had a snuggle ;). I also owned her arse on COD but she did surprise me that she was actually pretty good at Little Big Planet lol. I have lots of work to do next week to finish before the half term. Im hoping i might see hayley wednesday. Got things to look forward too. Im a little annoyed at some "friends" as they arnt acting really like real friends atm, if someones a real friend you would tell them them the truth even if its going to upset them (Yes i know ive done it in the past but ive learnt my lesson) and if you was a real friend you wouldnt try and steal the one massive thing thats making me happy atm. But alas we shall see how things roll out. I dont hate yu im just rather peeved. We've been through too much for me to hate you even if you hate me. Id just like to throw some love yo wilson gabriel and brenno for being there for me when i need them <3. Much loves for hazel brendan and conor your all sooooo good friends and i love you all. AndMost of all to my baby hayley. We might not be together in the moment but i love and have faith in you and hope to be with you soon <3 xx
Seinara people xxx
Hayley Rafter You Are Gawjusss xxx

I Feel As If Im Fading ...

I love my friends. Especially joshua wilson. He's always there. does a lot to help me that lovely kid. But i cant help feel its all invain. Found out some information that made my heart sink. Im in trouble with hayley for something that wasnt me and i dont know what to do. I sat at my window considering to jump for ages. I got a call telling me not too. I didnt. Only coz i still have hope. Its fucking faint. But its still there. Life can get better. I have faith in hayley. As long as she isnt angry at me about this thing in the morning i hope. Im going out for a walk. Goodnight x
Seiniaraaaa xx
Hayley rafter ill love you until the end of the world xx

The Difference

What to say really. Brenno stayed round last night was too lazy to blog, I do apologize as i havent been keeping quite up to date as i usually do. Its all because atm life is rather hectic. trying to win back the girl, not fail at school fix things with people meanwhile sorting just loads of random shit out. The pills are alright so far havent really noticed to mush of a side effect and i do seem to want to kill myself less. However i know im still not happy with everything and im begining to wonder if theirs any reason to be on this fake happiness. Im cutting down smoking instead of buying 20 decks im buying 10's and hoping when i quit my voice will come back. Nothings as it used to be on these pills. Everything seems different to say the least. For good and bad reasons. theyre making me be a little less lazy. Im going to bed earlier. Im more willing to work. But its playing with my emotions. Its not letting me get across how i feel anymore and distorting my behaviour a little. I miss hayley and want her back. Im gonna go try do some ict work.

seinara for now will probably blog some thoughts later

Hayley ... i love you for fuck sake x

Mhmmm

I dunno how to feel at the moment. I'm very mixed feelings about almost everything. I love Hayley and wanna be with her but its killing me waiting for it all. We haven't argued lately so surely that's a good sign. I hope were together soon. Ellie keeps texting me and stuff. Its a lil annoying just coz i know what she wants. Mates my arse. Tbh im missing the good old days with the friends. Saw some vids that made me lol and reminded me there was a time when me and Marcus didnt actually hate each other. As for the pills? I dont know tbh i still feel depressed just not quite so often but that might just be due to the fact things are looking up and may have no coherent affect of the pills. Had my blood test today, went fine, dunno why people are afraid of needles they dont hurt but ya know. Conors getting a £700 metal guitar and me and him are going to play together. Still upset that Hayley, Brendan and hazel are arguing. I wish we had the good old days again. Ahh well im off to bed cba with this anymore ...
Seniara ...
Hayley i love you <3 x