Every Man Is An Island

Well, a lot has gone on today tbh, well i say lots yet so little. For s start lots of drama. Have basically almost lost hayley due to the fact I didnt tell her I was seeing sammi. My reasons not to? Just fed up of being accused of cheating or wanting to cheat on her with everyone. Alas she was told and now thinks I have cheated on her even though nothing of the sort happened. Just went town, got me more fags, got pizza watched a movie chilled then she went home. Not even the slightest piece of sexual activity other than the hello and goodbye hug. Not that it matters she wont believe me anyway. She says its due to ive broken her trust but tbh in my opinion she woulda been lke it anyway just not to such a bad degree. Well after crying for a while and thinking i got back into my i dont wana live anymore mode. Its true i do see life as rather bleak and pointless. But I then decided that as i cannot sleep i shall watch a dvd. I sat for about 10 minutes looking but only one caught my eye."about a boy". This is a rather good film in my opinion but it also gave my some psychological insight into my own life a bit. I like the phrase "Every man is an island". It sort of puts a nice philosophy in life and one that im probably going to do more even though the morale of the film is that no man is an island. It seems to annoy hayley that i spend so much time with other people. This i cannot really help due to how i am as a person. I am not a normal person I know that. I dont work like everyone else, I know coz of what i think is a disorder I have and part of it is all the psych analyzing I do of everyone. Therefore I have come to the conclusion I am different. I know everyone is different but everyone has the same sort of guidelines to the ways the are and ways they live their lives. I however even in such a small way break those. Im not the only one, but we are less common. But anyway back more into my lifestyle and the phrase from the film. I like material objects. Such as the big tv im sitting in front of right now. i always try to make my room perfect and strive for things in it. I have concluded I have been trying to my my own personal island in my own home. So that i can be entertained without the need of friends or a relationship which are the few things i crave in life. I dont know if i should crave them although I have been made to feel i am in the wrong for doing so. I think my next inevitable quest is i am going to produce my island to the way i want it. This however requires money another thing on my list. i am currently in debt by quite a lot of money and need to get EMA sorted out at school. I am going to make a money chart so i can control my spending so i can get my debt paid off as fast as possible. I am going to test my limits of this what i think is a some sort of disorder. Im ging to cut down on my friends which seem to be the one thing i crave and see what it does to me. I tend to be suicidal after even small periods of time alone to despair. I am either going to go 2 ways. to the point where i really just wnat to die again or to the point where i start getting used to it. I suppose the best way to fix anything is to bite the bullet as they say. I will probably document my feelings on this. Hopefully also as im doing this it will make hayley more comftorable in the fact i wont be seeing many people so she can know im not getting into any mischief and help relax her feelings about me cheating or giving her more reasons to distrust me. i want to keep her happy atm and show her i do care about her and she means a lot to me. Not even on a love level, i respect her a lot as a friend too. I just want us to be fixed. I think its something easier said than done. Step one will getting into a normal flow with her. Conversations and that of the sort without arguments. Step two will be gaining a little bit more trust back. She told me I only have a certain amount of time to do this which makes me wander does she have someone else lined up or is there a much bigger plan. Im not sure but im not going to make assumptions as they usually get people in trouble. but alas thats my plan for now, as for the other details i think we will think that when we get there. It is currently 3:46 and im still thinking of that god damn girl lol. I think there is something there otherwise i wouldnt usually care so much after going through the amount we have. Its been a lot for only like a month and a half. I might start to occupy myself with more musical things. Currently doing some grand funk railroad with gabs and having a blast. Yes i think music shall make me content as hobby for now. As for this disorder I think im also developing insomnia. I dont know if its from stress or maybe the fact it runs in my family. my brother has it too. I however am going to go think some more maybe text hayley saying i love her or something. its nice to be reminded that people in the world love you. Makes it seem a lil less bitter and more worthwhile. Anyway im off to go think more about my lil island i mean after all i am a man ... I hope :)
Seinara ;)x
Hayley rafter even through all this shit i love you <3 x